Day 26- It's Not You, It's Me.

{I hate this post- feel free to skip it. I should have...}

Todd went home.
I watched Doc Martin and stitched.
I found a mistake I'd made on one line that affected/effected (I'd go with the A but i'm not in the mood for grammar rules) how I counted other lines... Blah.

I finished all my picture books up until the year I started my blog- and now I'm stuck. I have a hard time figuring out a layout that I like with my blog posts imported and I don't want a book of pictures without the fun things I wrote about them. So, I've hit a road block and have been avoiding photo albums lately...

My central line clotted and they had to TPA it. (Draino for central lines.). Not a big deal but still freaky. I told them yesterday that my line wasn't right and they said it was fine. Now all of a sudden something is wrong-- they should have listened yesterday...

They started me on thyroid medication. I felt a bit racey all day. I feel like I'm gaining so much weight- I'm bigger than I've ever been. EVER.  (6 months of bed rest + pregnancy eating = more weight gain, duh)  Thyroid medication should help. I'm not a big fan of more meds, and I'm concerned that these issues will hang around after baby... I've never had issues with my thyroid or my weight. This is just one more thing.

I was sweaty hot, so I turned down the thermostat and now my room is a refrigerator .. but I'm too lazy to mess with it again.

I had a nurse that sort of drives me crazy with her exact rules. My wristband bugs me, so I slipped it off and another nurse just taped it on my bed- I'm in bed all day anyway. It has been this way for a week, but my rule-following nurse gave me a lecture about how after I deliver it could stay taped on the bed and they could think another patient is me. Whatever. Not a big deal to wear the dumb band, just one more thing.

Don't you hate trying to be nice when you feel a bit annoyed? I know she was just trying to help- but it was a long day of trying to be nice, instead of a day with nurses I easily love. (I have the same nurse for the next 3 days.) Plus, she's training another girl so every time they come in they take 40 minutes assessing me in depth. Again, I'm grateful they are caring for me, but it's annoying. Most nurses just say, "Any changes?"


"Any changes that we should know about?"
"Nope."
"Any bleeding?"
"No."
"Any contractions?"
"No."
"Any discharge, headachess, swelling, trouble breathing?"
"Nope."
"Anything we can do for you?"
"No thanks. I think I'm good."
"Will you call me if there are any changes?"
"Yes."
I know they need to ask me these question 100 times a day.
They are just good people doing their job, taking care of me.
30 seconds of dumb questions-- no big deal, right?!
But, sometimes I want to scream at them- "I said I would tell you if there were changes."
I want to yell at the 80th "Are you bleeding?"
"I'm NOT stupid.  I would not be sitting here cross stitching in my bed if I were bleeding!!"
What do they think, they'll ask me if I'm bleeding and I'll say, "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, I started bleeding an hour ago."
Um, no! I'm more freaked out about bleeding out than they are.
Most of the time the hospital doesn't bother me at all... but sometimes I want to throw a silly tantrum.

I am so grateful for many people who are taking care of me.
I am grateful.
I AM grateful to be here, grateful to have a healthy baby in my womb, grateful for doctors and nurses and house keeping and transportation, and non-stress tests and central lines.
This baby is WORTH it!!!!
I'm Grateful...
(and just a wee bit sick of it)
Oh the joys of hospital bed rest...
Cranky, cranky Jen.

And, I had the sweetest, sweetest CNA (from Ethiopia) who checks my vitals, fills my water bottle, and changes my sheets. She is the same pregnant as me, 32 weeks, with her third child and first boy. As I watch her work I am so jealous of her.  (I even thought that they should not be able to hire pregnant woman on bed rest units.)  While she bounces around my room, I try to just keep stitching from my chair and not think about how much I wish I were home changing the sheets on my own bed. I wonder if she ever wishes she didn't have to work and that someone else could bring her a water-bottle full of ice water?

Want me to tell you something else that bugs me? I'm on a roll...

I hate it when nurses talk like my baby is bad because he kicks or moves around during non-stress tests or heartbeat checks. My favorite nurses say things like "he is always so happy!" I don't love the "He's a rebel already" comments... Just sayin.

AND- we have tons of guinea pigs that we need to get rid of. I was probably stupid when I bred them-- but, the breeder that I bought them from assured me they were easy to sell. I asked her 20 times if I could give them back to her if I was unable to sell them. She has tons of pigs and has contracts with pet stores in the area. She assured me over and over that she would take them if I couldn't sell them. I was trusting on that assurance every time Todd said I was dumb for breeding our pigs.

I talked to her yesterday and Friday for hours. She is nice and told me all about her children and her guinea pig history- but, she said she can't take our pigs. Ugh!! We are moving and have to get rid of them... We are still trying Craig's List, it's just one more thing to worry about. I feel bad that I left Todd to deal with this mess, and I hear his very loud, non spoken (or rarely spoken) "I told you so." Blah.

Todd and I are sort of fighting because I want to keep 2 pigs and he wants to get rid of them all. I feel an emotional connection to these pets- for my kids. I don't want them to have to loose everything they love because I'm in the hospital and unable to help care for them. Todd says we aren't going to be worrying about guinea pigs when we move. We can buy more in NY if we want to. He says it isn't my decision because I'm not the one that will be dealing with them. I WISH I was the one dealing with them.

I think guinea pigs are becoming a small thing in our lives that are way more symbolic of this stressful situation. He feels overwhelmed and needs to simplify. I feel out of control and need to hold on to my normal. Poor piggies are caught in the middle.

My pregnant-with-twins hospital friend, Naomi, came to my room last night. We watched the old Parent Trap movie together and she ordered her dinner in my room. It was nice having someone to talk and laugh with. I'm grateful for her.

My night nurse chatted with me for a long time. She's atheist, but has seen many miracles in her profession. We talked about the power of faith and hope in the healing process. So interesting and very real- even if you don't believe in God.

(It was nice being with people-- even though part of me just wanted to be alone in my crankiness.)

Because I can feel myself a little anxious and hormonal, I try to listen to inspirational talks or music. Hearing stories of faith definitely lifts my spirits. I won't let myself be rude. I pray for empathy and perspective and peace. I'm trying... But my wild emotions are still not far from the surface.

Some family members are flying out to be here during my surgery. I have this weird anxiety about visitors when I'm not doing well. I hope I'm able to be grateful for their company. I kept trying to say that I would be up for visitors at the end of the month, but I do understand why they want to be here for the surgery. They love me and are concerned. I'm grateful for that.

When I'm in labor, I tend to be very internal and quiet. The harder things are, the more isolated I become. I don't want nurses in my room laughing and talking, I need to concentrate and not worry about how my actions are affecting other people.

I'm scared for this surgery and recovery. It will take all my internal strength to do this. The night before my surgery, I want to be alone with my husband. Quiet, prayerful, and preparing. It will be an intimate, difficult night for me-- not a time for consoling or visiting with concerned family members.

I don't want my kids anywhere near me until I am well enough to smile and not scare them. I am definitely the animal that wants to climb into a hole until I'm well enough to see people again. Maybe that isn't the best way.

I keep telling myself not to worry... I need to trust the process. I need to stop worrying about my cervix and trust my surgeon. Stop worrying about my central line, stop worrying about visitors, stop worrying about my thyroid or how much weight I'm gaining, forget about Guinea Pigs and new houses and vans big enough to fit my eight.

Maybe my tendency towards isolation isn't good- maybe I'll be grateful for distraction and visitors. Maybe, it's not all about me. Maybe they need to be here. Maybe Todd will need the support.

All I can do is take one day at a time- and I can handle today!!

I do have faith. I am grateful. I am not alone, things could be so much worse! This too shall pass, and one day we will all laugh about our 12 guinea pigs. :) My life has much goodness. I KNOW that things will all work out. God is for me... I just need to do one stitch, one row, one color at a time.

Sorry to whine today. (You can handle me cranky- right?) I am surprised at the stress that came out as I wrote this blog. I feel like a soda can that bubbles over when you just open it a bit. I suppose this is normal- although I prefer happy days.
I need a big sign on my head that says "It's not you, it's me."

My hospital friend teases me that cross stitching is my stress tactic. She laughs that when the nurses start talking about my surgery or things that make me nervous, I pick up my sampler and stitch away... Ha! Maybe I will get this finished after all. It is just taking SO long...

Life is good!
He is worth this.
(Even when I'm whiney!)
And soon, I'll be dancing with my kids again, like my Accreta friend is!! I'm so happy for her!
I can do this.