May 26, 2013

Day 26- It's Not You, It's Me.

{I hate this post- feel free to skip it. I should have...}

Todd went home.
I watched Doc Martin and stitched.
I found a mistake I'd made on one line that affected/effected (I'd go with the A but i'm not in the mood for grammar rules) how I counted other lines... Blah.

I finished all my picture books up until the year I started my blog- and now I'm stuck. I have a hard time figuring out a layout that I like with my blog posts imported and I don't want a book of pictures without the fun things I wrote about them. So, I've hit a road block and have been avoiding photo albums lately...

My central line clotted and they had to TPA it. (Draino for central lines.). Not a big deal but still freaky. I told them yesterday that my line wasn't right and they said it was fine. Now all of a sudden something is wrong-- they should have listened yesterday...

They started me on thyroid medication. I felt a bit racey all day. I feel like I'm gaining so much weight- I'm bigger than I've ever been. EVER.  (6 months of bed rest + pregnancy eating = more weight gain, duh)  Thyroid medication should help. I'm not a big fan of more meds, and I'm concerned that these issues will hang around after baby... I've never had issues with my thyroid or my weight. This is just one more thing.

I was sweaty hot, so I turned down the thermostat and now my room is a refrigerator .. but I'm too lazy to mess with it again.

I had a nurse that sort of drives me crazy with her exact rules. My wristband bugs me, so I slipped it off and another nurse just taped it on my bed- I'm in bed all day anyway. It has been this way for a week, but my rule-following nurse gave me a lecture about how after I deliver it could stay taped on the bed and they could think another patient is me. Whatever. Not a big deal to wear the dumb band, just one more thing.

Don't you hate trying to be nice when you feel a bit annoyed? I know she was just trying to help- but it was a long day of trying to be nice, instead of a day with nurses I easily love. (I have the same nurse for the next 3 days.) Plus, she's training another girl so every time they come in they take 40 minutes assessing me in depth. Again, I'm grateful they are caring for me, but it's annoying. Most nurses just say, "Any changes?"

"Any changes that we should know about?"
"Any bleeding?"
"Any contractions?"
"Any discharge, headachess, swelling, trouble breathing?"
"Anything we can do for you?"
"No thanks. I think I'm good."
"Will you call me if there are any changes?"
I know they need to ask me these question 100 times a day.
They are just good people doing their job, taking care of me.
30 seconds of dumb questions-- no big deal, right?!
But, sometimes I want to scream at them- "I said I would tell you if there were changes."
I want to yell at the 80th "Are you bleeding?"
"I'm NOT stupid.  I would not be sitting here cross stitching in my bed if I were bleeding!!"
What do they think, they'll ask me if I'm bleeding and I'll say, "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, I started bleeding an hour ago."
Um, no! I'm more freaked out about bleeding out than they are.
Most of the time the hospital doesn't bother me at all... but sometimes I want to throw a silly tantrum.

I am so grateful for many people who are taking care of me.
I am grateful.
I AM grateful to be here, grateful to have a healthy baby in my womb, grateful for doctors and nurses and house keeping and transportation, and non-stress tests and central lines.
This baby is WORTH it!!!!
I'm Grateful...
(and just a wee bit sick of it)
Oh the joys of hospital bed rest...
Cranky, cranky Jen.

And, I had the sweetest, sweetest CNA (from Ethiopia) who checks my vitals, fills my water bottle, and changes my sheets. She is the same pregnant as me, 32 weeks, with her third child and first boy. As I watch her work I am so jealous of her.  (I even thought that they should not be able to hire pregnant woman on bed rest units.)  While she bounces around my room, I try to just keep stitching from my chair and not think about how much I wish I were home changing the sheets on my own bed. I wonder if she ever wishes she didn't have to work and that someone else could bring her a water-bottle full of ice water?

Want me to tell you something else that bugs me? I'm on a roll...

I hate it when nurses talk like my baby is bad because he kicks or moves around during non-stress tests or heartbeat checks. My favorite nurses say things like "he is always so happy!" I don't love the "He's a rebel already" comments... Just sayin.

AND- we have tons of guinea pigs that we need to get rid of. I was probably stupid when I bred them-- but, the breeder that I bought them from assured me they were easy to sell. I asked her 20 times if I could give them back to her if I was unable to sell them. She has tons of pigs and has contracts with pet stores in the area. She assured me over and over that she would take them if I couldn't sell them. I was trusting on that assurance every time Todd said I was dumb for breeding our pigs.

I talked to her yesterday and Friday for hours. She is nice and told me all about her children and her guinea pig history- but, she said she can't take our pigs. Ugh!! We are moving and have to get rid of them... We are still trying Craig's List, it's just one more thing to worry about. I feel bad that I left Todd to deal with this mess, and I hear his very loud, non spoken (or rarely spoken) "I told you so." Blah.

Todd and I are sort of fighting because I want to keep 2 pigs and he wants to get rid of them all. I feel an emotional connection to these pets- for my kids. I don't want them to have to loose everything they love because I'm in the hospital and unable to help care for them. Todd says we aren't going to be worrying about guinea pigs when we move. We can buy more in NY if we want to. He says it isn't my decision because I'm not the one that will be dealing with them. I WISH I was the one dealing with them.

I think guinea pigs are becoming a small thing in our lives that are way more symbolic of this stressful situation. He feels overwhelmed and needs to simplify. I feel out of control and need to hold on to my normal. Poor piggies are caught in the middle.

My pregnant-with-twins hospital friend, Naomi, came to my room last night. We watched the old Parent Trap movie together and she ordered her dinner in my room. It was nice having someone to talk and laugh with. I'm grateful for her.

My night nurse chatted with me for a long time. She's atheist, but has seen many miracles in her profession. We talked about the power of faith and hope in the healing process. So interesting and very real- even if you don't believe in God.

(It was nice being with people-- even though part of me just wanted to be alone in my crankiness.)

Because I can feel myself a little anxious and hormonal, I try to listen to inspirational talks or music. Hearing stories of faith definitely lifts my spirits. I won't let myself be rude. I pray for empathy and perspective and peace. I'm trying... But my wild emotions are still not far from the surface.

Some family members are flying out to be here during my surgery. I have this weird anxiety about visitors when I'm not doing well. I hope I'm able to be grateful for their company. I kept trying to say that I would be up for visitors at the end of the month, but I do understand why they want to be here for the surgery. They love me and are concerned. I'm grateful for that.

When I'm in labor, I tend to be very internal and quiet. The harder things are, the more isolated I become. I don't want nurses in my room laughing and talking, I need to concentrate and not worry about how my actions are affecting other people.

I'm scared for this surgery and recovery. It will take all my internal strength to do this. The night before my surgery, I want to be alone with my husband. Quiet, prayerful, and preparing. It will be an intimate, difficult night for me-- not a time for consoling or visiting with concerned family members.

I don't want my kids anywhere near me until I am well enough to smile and not scare them. I am definitely the animal that wants to climb into a hole until I'm well enough to see people again. Maybe that isn't the best way.

I keep telling myself not to worry... I need to trust the process. I need to stop worrying about my cervix and trust my surgeon. Stop worrying about my central line, stop worrying about visitors, stop worrying about my thyroid or how much weight I'm gaining, forget about Guinea Pigs and new houses and vans big enough to fit my eight.

Maybe my tendency towards isolation isn't good- maybe I'll be grateful for distraction and visitors. Maybe, it's not all about me. Maybe they need to be here. Maybe Todd will need the support.

All I can do is take one day at a time- and I can handle today!!

I do have faith. I am grateful. I am not alone, things could be so much worse! This too shall pass, and one day we will all laugh about our 12 guinea pigs. :) My life has much goodness. I KNOW that things will all work out. God is for me... I just need to do one stitch, one row, one color at a time.

Sorry to whine today. (You can handle me cranky- right?) I am surprised at the stress that came out as I wrote this blog. I feel like a soda can that bubbles over when you just open it a bit. I suppose this is normal- although I prefer happy days.
I need a big sign on my head that says "It's not you, it's me."

My hospital friend teases me that cross stitching is my stress tactic. She laughs that when the nurses start talking about my surgery or things that make me nervous, I pick up my sampler and stitch away... Ha! Maybe I will get this finished after all. It is just taking SO long...

Life is good!
He is worth this.
(Even when I'm whiney!)
And soon, I'll be dancing with my kids again, like my Accreta friend is!! I'm so happy for her!
I can do this.


Unknown said...

I'm now 18 months past my c-hyst for placenta increta and I want you to know that you are in my prayers and I will be fasting for you. I'm kind of relieved to read this post, because I had SO many of the feelings that you express in this post and I don't think I was particularly good about hiding them!

One thing in particular that struck me while I was reading was about your family wanting to be there. My sister flew from NJ to UT for my surgery and it was the single biggest help of all. She stepped in and mothered my kids and made sure their lives weren't turned totally upside down that week. She made it so my husband could focus on me, on my fears and anxieties, on advocating for me when 5 separate people asked me the same anesthesia questions and practically had me crawling out of my skin by the time they took me to pre-op. Emotionally, it meant a great deal to me too. My husband was so strong for me throughout my pregnancy but the day of the surgery, when he had to leave me outside that OR and go wait for news, he had a very rough time. One of our best friends waited with him and that was a huge blessing. She told me afterward that he was a bit of a mess that day. I was glad he had the support he needed.

Sending huge hugs and prayers for you!


Sandra Butcher said...

Yes, we can handle you cranky. And yes, you can do this. Focus on the love Jen - let that be what you hear and see first as many well meaning people swirl around you. (The cranky posts are essential if any of us are to believe the other posts - it's that you show the many sides of things that makes it all very real.) You are one strong, thoughtful, formidable, loving and brave woman. You can and will do this.

Sarah said...

Hang in there Jen! Your cross-stitch is beautiful and so is your family! :)

Marie said...

You have a right to be a little cranky, Jen. I would really worry if it seemed like you had not a care in the world... Your plate is pretty full, but YOU are going to be ok! So keep feeling blessed and loved. It won't be long now and this chapter will be long behind you. I would be lying if I said no one was worried and a little scared for you, but God "has this"... Your whole village is, and will continue to be, in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong, my friend! ❤

corrie said...

You can do this.

Carrie said...

So you're normal:) And I'm glad you are keeping it real. You have an amazing attitude and are one strong woman.
Your son gave an amazing talk today in church.
Eve is my favorite nursery baby (can I say that:)?) I witnessed the most precious thing in nursery today. A visiting girl was throwing a tantrum and trying to leave. Eve slowly and sweetly walked to her, bent down a little even though they're the same height, smiled slowly and patted her shoulder carefully. Then she put her arm around her and took her to her milk and put it in her mouth to have a drink. The little girl instantly calmed down. It melted my heart. What a sweetie. I will miss her.

Jennie Plastow said...

Ah, I love cranky Jenifer! It makes cranky Jennie feel better. Lol people kept telling me I was so strong, etc... So some times I felt bad or like I was letting them down because I was cranky or whatever. Visitors the day of and around surgery day is tough. Not going to lie. Don't feel bad about telling them that you want to be alone. I totally get what you mean about needing all of your internal strength to get through this. It's tough. I was greatful for the support for my hubby and kids, but could care less to see anyone but Trever. One of our best friends stayed with Trever during the surgery. I was thankful for that! Especially when nobody gave him updates on me through it all. He was a wreck and needed that support. I was thankful for that and for him. But those days after surgery... I could care less to see anyone. I felt terrible and like you, didn't want to see them till I felt better. I felt like I should entertain them or something, but all I wanted to do was sleep.

That's my long blabbing way of saying... You have every right to be cranky and you have every right to say, hey... I want to be alone right now. Don't let anyone tell you that this is only a c section, or it's just abdominal surgery, or my favorite, yeah I had a hystorectomy, it's not a big deal. I want to punch those people. This is a huge deal. So many added factors make it a huge deal. Be patient with yourself. I just have to smile, because each phase you are going through is almost identical to mine. And yet so personal and different for you at the same time.

You are an amazing woman. You've got this. You can do hard things! Almost there!! I still wish I could be there to hold your hand through this! I hate watching you go through it, knowing at least a little bit of what you are going through.

Heather said...

i like this post! It's real... you're awesome.

story about hospital bands.
my wrist band came off after having baby.
nurse #1 said to leave it on my bedstand.
so i did.
nazi middle-of-the-nurse night wouldn't give me my baby because i wasn't wearing my band. hello! i was nursing (for once!) and i couldn't see my baby all night. I cried my eyes out all morning until the doctor came in and my husband brought my i.d. (i don't know why i didn't have that in the first place). I was so stinkin' sad. It's American Fork, Utah, for cryin' out loud.. there aren't that many babies. sigh... it was sad. I hope your arm band is the worst of the drama. :) You are great. I promise I really have something to mail you. Should I mail it to your home... or to the hospital. let me know...

Lisa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lisa said...

a bunch of us in the facebook 'large family' group fasted for you today. i hope they don't mind my sharing that. we check in with you here and are praying for you and thinking about you constantly and we love you. you are so strong and so incredible at living and sharing what you believe! i hope you feel strength and comfort and hope and faith from all of the people that are praying for you.

p.s. your sampler is awesome. did you use a pattern?


Mary said...

I'm so praying that all will go the best it possibly can for you and your family! As a mother of 7, I know the weight of worrying about what my children would do if I weren't there for them anymore. Of course it would be horrible! I appreciate your perspective though. Only God knows when each of us will die, and we really can trust him...still, I pray that you will be able to happily raise your own children. God bless you!

The Boys Club plus a girl! said...

I just want to say that I love you, Jenifer. Let the love of so many around you, those you know, those you don't, lift your heart up! You are incredible, you are amazing, and I'm so grateful to have your family in my life, even if for such a short time! Missing you, Jen. Keep your chin up! Keep your smile! You're entitled to be cranky! But know we're all here to pick you up if you want it! Love you!

kinderjules said...

Just keep swimming! One day at a time. As for the guinea pigs, it may not be a good time since its summer, but my first thought was to take them to your kids' schools. Surely teachers want guinea pigs, right? :)

Aimee said...

I love seeing the progress on your sampler Jen! I started working on one about the same time you did. Mine's not nearly as close to completion :)
Check out "Blog2print". I just ordered my first blog book through them and am very happy with it. It's worth a peek...
May this week be better for you!

jenifer said...

You guys are SOO nice and funny. Thanks for saying just the right things. (I know that it's hard to comment to a cranky, pregnant lady.) Heather- that story is awful, awful. It makes me want to yell at a nurse for you. Daniele-- 18 months?!! How do you feel? Yes, I do worry about my husband during the surgery. He always seems so strong, but I know he is aching deep down.
Thank you all for your suggestions and encouragement.
Two things are good about my cranky spells.
1- They don't last long.
2- I usually know that I'm cranky so I don't really blame other people.
I had a great talk last night with my company that is coming and explained my worries. All is well. It always is. THANK YOU for listening and supporting me through all of this.
Thank you for your kind words, your prayers, your fasting. Lisa-- I think I need to sign back up for that group. Please thank everyone for fasting for me!! (Tell them I'm certain there weren't many among them who could fast... ha!)
i really love you all. thank you.

Daniele Brown said...

Jenifer, I feel pretty great! I was extremely lucky, though. I only had increta and adhesions that had my bladder stuck to my uterus. I lost a good chunk of bladder, but I only lost 750ccs of blood and didn't need a transfusion or ICU. My surgeons did a fantastic job. I thankfully had no post surgical complications. My delivery was on a monday and i was discharged on Friday. I've struggled a bit emotionally with losing my uterus despite knowing we were done having babies. Physically, my recovery went really well. I was driving after 2 weeks and felt pretty well recovered at 8 weeks. Daniel spent 17 days in the NICU but he's totally healthy.

Please don't hesitate to email me if you have any questions or just need a listening ear. I had an email buddy who had been through percreta 8 months before my delivery and she kept me sane! You are so close and you CAN do this!!

Evaly said...

I really admire you. You are so close! Best wishes.

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