Yes, everyday I am just grateful to be alive. Especially today.
I told a doctor how hard it is to hear them say "you look sooo good" when I feel so crappy. Sometimes I want to say, "do you really think this is good?" as they smile and walk out the door to their normal life. Sometimes I want them to know that this isn't me looking good- good for me is at least being able to walk or hold a child of mine or make a coherent, non-drug-induced sentence.
Today my sweet dr said that she remembers me in surgery. She remembers me jaundice and almost dead. She said she can't help but say how good I look every time she sees me because I am alive and getting better.
That IS good. I love those doctors of mine.
Drew, my mom and my mother in law came up to see Todd, baby Ben and me.
I'm ever mindful and grateful of the army of friends who live nearby that are often helping out with my gang of kids...
Thank you. I miss you all desperately. I miss my kids desperately.
My family arrived while I was inside the bathroom. My bowels are still waking up from major surgery- that was my first experience with a pretty solid bowel movement.
All I have to say about going potty after major surgery is- "holy crap batman!".
One of the hardest things I've ever done.
As I hobbled out of the bathroom, I was so conscious of how I look, so worried that I would scare my kids.
I feel like I got hit by a bus, I can only imagine I look about as bad.
As I hobbled over to my chair I made a joke about walking like Yoda.
I saw my moms and drew and just cried.
I was alive.
I had gone through a lot and been gone so long.
No matter what, it was so good to see my family.
Drew said, "mom, you don't scare me at all- I've known you since I was young."
He hugged me and patted me and held my hand often as he visited.
It was so nice to see him. Nice to remember life outside to hospital.
I had an X-ray of my bladder.
The tech said it was as small as a baby's bladder.
They filled my bladder with dye to see if I had any leaks.
I have one fistula that connects the top of my bladder to my vagina. (Not sure what that really means, except that sometimes I can still potty without my catheter).
They are going to change my catheter tomorrow (fun, fun!), and I'm going to have the new one for another month. They think this will give the fistula time to heal on its own. (Hopefully no more surgery?!)
They had mentioned me going home sometime last week, but I really didn't think it would happen... I thought for sure my bladder scan would change things. But, I think we're still looking at a departure day of Wednesday. Can you believe it?! After two months, almost to the day-- I really might get to go home.
I still have an open wound down my belly that requires twice daily dressing changes. My mom and Todd are both learning to do this.
The bottom layers of my wound are together. The top layer did have a wound vac, but they found that it didn't do well with a wound vac. I never got an "infection", but when they would check my tummy there were patches of dead or pussy skin that weren't healing. Often they have had to slice off this dead tissue to help keep things healing. Even in the midst of often debriefing, doctors keep telling me how good things look.
To me, an open wound down the front of my stomach is not good. I'm trying to understand the concept of healing from the inside out. It's interesting, but still a bit gross to me.
Instead of ripping off a tape bandage each time they check my wound like they used to... (honestly- they should use tape as a way to get information from terrorists. Tape torture would work, it's awful) they have taped laces onto my belly. After they stuff me with clean, moist gauze, they cover my wound with pads and then they tie me closed with my belly shoe laces. Weird.
I'm learning to love my belly wound. The reason it is having issues healing is because it wasn't a straight forward cut and repair. They kept me open for sometime. I guess it's not uncommon for deep wounds to heal and have pockets of dead skin/possible infection areas that don't heal. They don't want me to get those pockets.
I have pictures of my wound vacume and drain, I have pictures of my open wound, but I don't think I've taken any of my belly laces... This stuff is pretty intense friends. I'm not sure how much you want to see.
My most painful part of my body is my legs. As my legs continue to wake up from surgery they hurt. A lot.
I feel like i have imaginary tourniquets wrapped 100 times around my toes and legs. Medicine is working to ease the pain as my legs awaken... Mostly the pain comes from circulation issues from the arteries they had to embolize, the balloon catheters that burst, blood clots, and in the end, they really don't know why my legs hut and we are all hoping it's temporary.
I am so excited for the next few days.
I will miss the comfort of this mother/baby floor.
Ben is still with me in my room.
He is an angel baby and brings great joy to my life.
Watching Drew with his brother was priceless.
My kids are going to love having a new little brother.
Life is good here.
Thank you for your sweet notes of encouragement- you helped save my life.