Do you ever ask yourself what is real?
Why is it so easy to be fooled?
I'll be honest with you, even though it embarrasses me and shows my weakest parts.
Sometimes my pride keeps me from loving others. Sometimes I'm embarrassed at the clothes my children have, the size of my family, the behavior of my kids, the sharpie marker on my couches.
Sometimes I'm embarrassed that my life seems too put together or not put together enough. Isn't it funny that in the same day I want to apologize for how perfect and imperfect my family seems? Ha!
Sometimes I yearn for more hours in the day, more money, a more decorated home, children who were more kind to each other or more respectful to me, time to relax or party or pamper. Sometimes I look around and swell with gratitude for all that we have. Mine is not a pampered life and yet I live a very pampered life.
Sometimes I see new boots at the mall and just want to go shopping to buy myself the cutest things. I wanted new boots, even though I have a brown and a black pair of boots that look new. It's silly.
This weekend I visited a widow who lived content with hardly anything. I sat in her humble apartment on a plastic lawn chair. She told me about her alarm clock that broke weeks ago that she missed because she used to love to wake up early. I wanted to buy her food. To give her a new lamp to light her room. She told me she had one outfit to wear to church and was teased by some that she looked like a clown in bright colors. I wanted to give her one of the 20 outfits I have for church. I felt humble and ashamed of my pride.
Sometimes I ache that I am not a better mother. We all do. I ache that I have so many children I can't love them like a mother could who had only one or two. (Eight is a lot of kids.)
This past week I walked by a home with a door ajar. I saw a frustrated father handle his young son harshly. As he dropped his crying baby to the floor in exasperation, I couldn't help but enter the room and scoop up the baby. I offered to help for a moment, but I think the man thought I was crazy. Although I continued on my way, that boy and his father have stayed in my heart and mind. How I ache for frustrated, tired parents and their innocent young children.
I had a friend over the other day. As I was gooing over baby Ben she asked, "Were you like that with all your kids?" I didn't know what she was talking about.
I asked, "Do you mean did I love them all this much?" She nodded and I said confidently, "Yes. Yes I did."
My children are blessed. Of course they are. I am rich and still embarrassed. My children are so good and still have so much to learn. We all do. Our days are full of goodness and yet we still ache to do more to be better. It is ridiculous.
My time is up. I have a hungry baby and a toddler who need me.
I have no great conclusion to this post other than I am embarrassed.
I prayed this weekend for more. I prayed that as Thanksgiving and Christmas approached I would be blessed. I prayed that His will would be my will. God blessed me with eyes to see just how much I have. He showed me people grateful for so much less.
It is ridiculous that I can have hundreds of dollars to spend on food each month and ever feel that I have nothing to cook for dinner. Shame on me.
Today I am grateful for what is real.
How on Earth do I keep this perspective?
We all live a Twilight Zone life and it is good.
(This blog post drives me crazy. I really shouldn't post on Mondays.)
Ps- eve took a "really big" bath while I was writing this post. And then she put on her panties all by herself.
I love two.