January 05, 2015

2015- engaged

I just exercised with my cute, flexible, exercise friend, Stephanie.
She brought over her Beachbody Pyo workout and I tried.
My body is SO weak. 
My mind is SO scared to ask anything more of my body.
I'm embarrassed by my weakness and scared of loosing my excuses.
I'm honestly teary-eyes writing this blog.
Wow!  The emotions of climbing back into life after a near-death experience is overwhelming at times.

Over the Christmas break, a dear friend whose past couple of years has mirrored mine, almost committed suicide.
My soul aches for her.
I get it.
Coming back to life is tough even when we should be past this part by now.

For over a year, in order to survive, I had to teach myself to disengage.  I had to let it go.  I learned to chill, to be still, to find peace.  Bed rest, physical suffering, and healing, creates a somewhat Zen, meditative state.  You blend with the universe as you really feel one with humanity in your suffering.  I felt WOMANHOOD and motherhood, love and peace.  I felt resigned to whatever lay ahead.  There was little I could control.

Living a monk life of meditation is quite holy.  I'm grateful for all that I learned during my life intermission.

Healing also took time and patience.  People cheered me on.  I asked my children to help out more or to forgive my lack because I was healing.  I couldn't ask much of myself, because I was healing.  (I'm SO done being the sick one.)

To combat depression, I chill out.  I disengage.  I ignore the type A desires bubbling inside me and tell myself it's all good.  Don't worry, be happy.  There was a time years ago that I took prosac.  I learned that feeling and I can replicate it without medication.  I go down instead of up, whisper instead of yell, numb out instead of freak out.  I actually love this coping mechanism.

I've just felt a change coming.  
I'm ready to ENGAGE.

Do you know what happens when you switch from disengaged to engaged?
You fail.
You yell.
You try to do too much.
You meet resistance, especially from those who took up your slack while you were away.
You feel very, very afraid.

In some ways I'm a crazy lady speeding on a bike trying to remember how to pedal.

I tried to make Christmas Eve special and ended up screaming at everyone and threatening to cancel Christmas.  Lovely. Then, we took a deep breath and tried again.  We did better at Christmas Eve devotional take 2.  Ha!

It's harder to try and fail then to not try at all.

Today I'm trying and it is really, really a vulnerable place for me.

I believe complete physical, mental, and spiritual healing is possible.
I know our bodies are amazing.
We were created by a divine creator.
My body wants to be well.
My soul wants to engage.

God has a great work for me to do and I can't do His work disengaged.
My family needs MORE of me, they need my best me.
It's ok if I mess up, or fall, or look ridiculous trying.
I just need to ENGAGE.

We had family scripture time this morning.
It was shakey but familiar and so good.
I took Lily on a mom date.
Todd and I had our Sunday night planning meeting.
We planned goodness into our life.
I enforced dish jobs.  When my kids were cranky, I didn't give in.  I taught, I invited, I held firm.

My list of goals for this year is pretty long.
I'm ready to drive this big, white van life of mine.

When I wake up, I feel tired.  I want to veg-out on my phone and ignore the responsibilities ahead of me.
I tell myself-- just engage!
Just try.  Just be present in your life.
2015- it's going to be a good one.

I push myself forward to parent, to plan, to stretch, to TRY.
We can do this.

Are you with me?
What part of your life do you need to take control of?
What are you afraid of?
Do you feel your underlying power?

This year I'm going to love my stage of life.  I'm going to exercise and eat healthier.  I'm going to try.  I'm going OUTSIDE more.  I'm going to stop defining myself by my illness and start creating my life after pregnancies.  I'm going to squeeze every ounce of goodness from my soul and share it with my children, my husband, my extended family, my church family, my community, and you.

Oh- engaging in life does feel vulnerable.  But, it also feels ALIVE and powerful and hopeful.  I'm just onto stage two-- enter to learn, go forth to serve.

This is MY year.
I'm really going to LIVE it.


Anonymous said...

Sorry kiddo, you cannot convince me you were not 'engaged' last year. I watched you strap on Ben and walk around your lovely property at a time when you were still wearing full bandages around your middle. So what if jumping around with an exercise video is still tough - go swimming or go for a walk instead, or do gentle pilates, save the beach body for later, it's a Central NY State winter after all. I saw the pic a few days ago of you on rollerskates. Martin and I both paused over that photo, we commented to each other that we never dreamed a year ago that you would be able to do something like that so soon. Progress comes, it does come. And you can do this. You can reclaim your world. But please don't belittle how much work you have already done. Remember, there are lots of us here to help you - even if virtually. And the love that surrounds you in that beautifully family will carry you even as you try to harness it Sending hugs, love, and heaps of empathy. Aunt Sandra

Marie said...

Your Auntie Sandra is a very wise woman... ❤️
Keep being kind to yourself, my friend. 2015 is gonna be a great year --- I can feel it as well!

jenifer said...

Engage more. :)

jenifer said...

I did not intend to belittle my last two years-- exactly the opposite. I cherish those years. I am just not still there. It is easier to engage in life when others are around. I was engaged when you visited. It is during the slow days when it's just me and my family that I pull inward. Not bad, just detached. My children deserve more. Perhaps this little blog of mine is best at highlighting my accomplishments, and I've had many. But, it has been a struggle. Physically and emotionally I'm tired and weak. I'm ready to feel strong and vibrant, not just surviving. I just feel that this year is going to be more ME, healthy and strong. (My spirit has stayed strong and vibrant, perhaps even gained strength. But my body is still dragging. It's not the exercise video- it's the strength I'm craving!)

Brynn said...

Thank you so much for posting. I'm a mom of 4 kids 5 and younger, youngest is 5 weeks old, and my husband is in his second year of a PhD program. I come to your little blog for a lift and a reality check.

Amanda @ BedTime Quilting said...

FYI, MuTu is my favorite low-impact, gentle yet challenging exercise program. It's perfect because I'm not strong enough to do mainstream workouts- but definitely pushes me to get stronger without my fears of hurting my body.

Jenifer Moss said...

Brynn- hang in there!! It gets easier! I love my kids so close together.

Amanda- thanks for the recommendation! I'll have to look up mutu!!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...