I Hate This Part.

I have always wanted to be a mother.  The love of little people oozes through my pores.  I love babies, I love being home, I love to cook and clean and watch Barney.  Mothering is what I was created for.

And some days I hate it.

I hate cleaning up another mess, I hate being patient, I hate having to gently push against the tide of natural man.

I hate driving a big van that is always dirty.  I hate shoes and laundry and cleaning up dog puke.  (Yes, my dog puked dark puke all over my recently shampooed rug!  I hate that.)

I hate feeling tired.  I hate budgeting money.  I hate consistency and never, ever being done.  I hate that my faults are difficult to hide as I parent eight.  I hate the vulnerability that comes from parenting-- eight little reflections of me are floating around every day.

I hate sickness, contention, hunger, want.    I hate To Do lists and refrigerators that need to be cleaned out.  I hate thinking of what to cook for dinner.  I hate never being able to find the scissors or the second church shoe.  No matter how hard I work there is always a long list of things I haven't done.

I hate mean people and mean kids.  I hate when I'm mean.  I hate toys and TV and busy schedules.  I hate packing lunches and I hate that pile of junk on my counter that is always waiting for me.

I used to love toddlers, but I think I've outgrown that stage.  I'm not sure I'll cry when Eve and Ben go to all-day Kindergarten.  Toddlers are a lot of work.  I'm also not a real fan of fifth, sixth, or seventh grade in general.  I know it's awful to admit, but I'm getting old folks.  

Seriously, there are many, many moments of my life where I look to Heaven and shake my fist- "What kind of crazy do you have to be to do this eight times?!!"

Maybe I shouldn't write blogs on days like today because these moments are temporary.

And, even though there are parts of mothering that I struggle with, there is still nothing I'd rather do with my life.  Nothing.  (I'm talking long-term here, short-term I'd take a week vacation somewhere exotic.)   I chose this life and I still choose it.  It is absolutely a sacrifice- but it is also an investment.

I am here when Ben learns a new word.  I get to teach Eve her ABCs and hear her sing made-up songs as she plays.  And, those hugs, the smiles, the cute things they say, the peaceful moment at night when they are all asleep and Heaven whispers you are doing a great work.

We eat breakfast together every day.  I do their hair, I find their shoes.  I feel their emotions and I teach them how to navigate through them.  I'm here when they get home.  They yell "Moooooom, I'm home!"  And, I answer them.  Every single day.  Oh, how those big kids need someone who is here during those magical transition times.  Soon enough they will be on their own.  I am shaping their foundation.  I am their inner voice, their confidence, their hope.  I love that part.

My kids have each other, and they have me.  Always.  I am their constant.  I give them my best efforts every single day.  Sometimes I absolutely fail, but most days they are some of the luckiest kids around.

I hate the days I hate my job.

But, somehow the cranky times make the good times a little better.  

I remember being surprised when Jakob was a baby, that there was so much of mothering I didn't like.  I wasn't prepared for the depth of sacrifice I would have to make.  I remember feeling great sympathy for mothers in general-- I always wanted to be a mom, I thought, and mothering was dang hard for me.  How does anyone do this?

Now, I know.

We were not meant to live forever in the Garden of Eden.  True joy is the product of genuine effort for a good cause.  Everything good in life takes dedicated effort to produce.  I firmly believe that as I parent my children I am doing the BEST work.  As I serve them, even when it's hard, I love them more.  

Yes, there are parts of this job that I hate.   But, I still LOVE being a mother.  I'm so grateful for my eight.

Even when I don't love a task, I still love my life.

Life is good.