timing.

Faith in God means Faith in HIS Timing.
Right?
We've heard this before, haven't we?

I am seriously LAUGHING.  Laughing!
God has a way of giving me a plate full of trials all at once!  Why?
Would you rather learn life's lessons gently or in one big bang?
I think the next 35 years of my life will be easy sailing... just saying.

Guess what?!! 
We have to MOVE the same month we are scheduled to have this baby!!

We have been renting our home here in Philomath.  The rental company called to say the owner wants to sell the house-- they want to send out a Realtor to look at it so it can go on the market, and they want us to move out by June 30th.

We will not have a HOME here in Philomath after June 30th.  They may let us extend to July 30th if my baby is still in the hospital.  June 30 or July 30th, I will be recovering from a major surgery, we will have a preemie baby, and I will have seven children out of school on Summer Vacation.  That is a PERFECT time to have our home in show condition-- don't you think?  (Are you laughing yet?) Even better time to plan a move.

 Does this sound familiar?  Pregnant, stressed, moving with a new baby?

This ALWAYS happens to me.  ALWAYS!!
My sweet in-laws have moved us across the country five times while I was 9 months pregnant or nursing a newborn.  I laughed that this was actually their greatest trial.  Seriously-- THE TIMING!!!  Cuh-ra-zee!!!

My due date is July 19.
They tentatively plan on delivering me around June 1st.
I have no idea how long I will take to recover or how long our little guy will stay in the NICU.
I suppose I could always stay in a hotel near the hospital if my house was all packed up...
My kids' last day of school is June 20th.
We need to be out of our house by June 30th.

That's all.
Just some great TIMING.
I suppose it could be worse... if I was due a few months later then we would be dealing with a scary delivery and unpacking a new house.

I do feel that everything will work out.
God is good and even when His timing seems weird, it is best.  I just know it.  I am so grateful.

Speaking of timing...
I got the sweetest comment from a friend of mine who just delivered a miracle baby and had her surgery for Accreta/Percretta (just like me).  She read my concerns about having a preemie and shared her insight.  She said that as hard as it is to not have her baby with her, she feels so blessed to have him in the NICU.  Because she is still recovering and feeling pretty ill, she feels great peace knowing her little guy is being cared for by the best nurses and doctors ever.  She said that the NICU actually feels like a blessing to her and her family.

Those words changed my perspective-- AGAIN.  Once again I was reminded that God loves us.  He knows us and He is directing our lives.  Even when it seems like things are not ideal, you can see God's love in the details.  God is for me.  A baby in the NICU might seem difficult, it will be difficult, but it also might be one of God's tender mercies.  Our trials are actually gifts.

This morning I read the most comforting scripture-- it is one of 100 that I have read lately reminding me that I am known and that everything will work out..
"Therefore, continue your journey and let your hearts rejoice; for behold, and lo, I am with you even unto the end."
(Doctrine and Covenants 100:12)

God is with me... this is my journey.
We ALL have a journey and this life is GOOD.

Today I am laughing.
I am someone who likes to plan in the midst of a life where I am NOT the planner.
I am someone who HATES surprises who is waiting for a surgery and baby delivery that will most definitely be a big surprise.
I am a very independent mother of seven who will be very dependent on others for the next few months.
When will I deliver this baby?  How soon will I recover?  How early will this baby be born?  How long will he spend in the NICU?  Where will we be living this summer?  How will my house be packed and moved without me overseeing it?  What new home will we buy?  Will we live here or across the country?  How will my children adjust to all this change?  How will Eve, my almost two year old, cope without me for so many weeks?  Will I really make it through these next few months without going INSANE?

Ahhh....  life.
This is my life and surprisingly I know everything will work out!
Everything will be FINE.
And, it will make a funny story.
It is crazy.  Crazy, inspired timing.

Today, I have faith in God and faith in His timing!!
even when I am laughing...
Please pray for my family at this time.  We need your faith and prayers.

Know that I am praying for you.  Because I KNOW you are travelling too.
We are not alone.  God's timing is BETTER than our best plans.
I'm so excited to see my summer unfold.  I feel so blessed to be in a position to see great miracles.

Life is good!!
 

ps.
i'm a little bit worried about todd...
he's having eyelid spasms.
at one of my doctor appointments he jokingly asked a doctor about them.
It's called-- Blepharospasm, and is a result of STRESS.  Ha!!!  Poor fella.
I think he'll be spasming for the next few months.

preparing for a preemie...

I've read that nothing can prepare you for what it is like to see your tiny baby, that should still be inside your body, laying in an isolette hooked up to tubes and monitors.  I can not imagine.

Because I have Percreta and Complete Placenta Previa, my doctors will schedule a c-section/hysterectomy by 34 weeks.  So, this baby will at least be 6 weeks premature.  There is a very high likelihood that I will hemorrhage before then and they will deliver earlier than planned.  It is very likely that this little guy will be pretty tiny when he is born and that he will spend quite some time in the NICU.  I'm grateful for amazing advances in medicine that make it so preemies survive and thrive... but I do not want to experience them first hand if I don't have to.

As I lay here on bed rest, my mind is constantly thinking about the little fella growing in my womb.  He's pretty active.  So far, he is perfect and growing right on schedule.  Oh how I want to bask in the excitement of having a new little boy WITHOUT feeling the shadow of fear that accompanies this birth.  I try to spend some time each day writing out possible name lists and wondering if he will have light or dark hair, blue or brown eyes, Todd's nose or mine.  I try to tell him how excited I am to be his mother and how grateful we are that he is coming to our family.  When he is active and kicking I try to stop and FEEL him.  To enjoy this VERY LAST time of creating a baby inside of me.  I LOVE being pregnant.

I feel so anxious at times and have to do something.  Usually, I like to clean, or paint, or make things.  Bed rest limits much of these activities... but not all.  I still want to make this little guy some fun things.  I'm currently reading all I can about how I can prepare for a preemie.  It's a compulsion... I just need to know what I'm in for so that when I'm there in the NICU I understand the terms they are using and I'm prepared for the worst.  It may seem morbid of me, but I like to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

When all else fails and I just HAVE to do something... I turn to SHOPPING THERAPY.  (I had a good friend that used to joke about her monthly visit to Dr. Ross.  She said that retail therapy was cheaper than a psychiatrist.)  I really don't believe babies need that much stuff.  BUT, I do love a few well-planned new things for each baby.  Online shopping does alleviate some of my anxiety-- as unhealthy as this might sound.  There is peace in feeling just a little more prepared.  There is also something therapeutic about having a blanket or an outfit to physically touch as I hope for a healthy delivery.

I have asked myself- what IF my baby is born big and never fits into these things?  First, I thought they would make darling doll clothes for my girls to play with.  Even if my little guy doesn't wear them for long, it will be fun to keep them and remember how tiny he was.  I also thought it would be healing for me to walk to the NICU and give them to another little guy who was going to be there longer.  Either way, I'm not worried about not using them.

Some preemie moms recommended www.preemiestore.com.
I found most of my things from there or Amazon or Etsy.
Ebay had some groupings of preemie clothes that I thought about.
I've also heard that Fred Meyer, Wal-Mart and Carters all sell Preemie clothes.

Most preemie moms say they don't need tons of preemie clothes, because the babies usually stay in the hospital until they are around 5 lbs, but that it takes a long time for their preemies to grow out of Newborn.   I've heard you'll need a few preemie outfits and should plan on about 3 months of Newborn sized outfits.

-For the NICU...
I've read that preemies can't wear many clothes inside the NICU, but they can wear cute hats and socks.  They often put socks on their hands also.  I tried to find some sweet preemie socks.
NICU Blue Snuggle Preemie Bodysuit 3-5 lbs- I got this because the nurses said they liked the velcro t-shirts for easy access.
Preemie Yums Blue Striped Preemie Shirt 3-5 lbs- sweet baby boy.
And, I had to get the "I love my nurse hat" for the times when I have to leave my little guy.
Oh, I do love those nurses already.


And, I almost forgot one of my favorites... red striped legwarmers.
I don't know why I think these will be cute on my little white t-shirt clad boy.



-For Coming Home-
(For some reason I am loving brown for this baby.)
I think he'll be coming home around 5 lbs and although gowns are my favorite for newborns (both boys and girls), they need pants for the carseat.
The striped outfit is Kumquat Organic, 3-5lbs Preemie.  I picked out a cute hat and some striped socks to match.  Still need to find a cute brown blanket and an insert to make sure my car seat is safe for a wee one.


- For Reading Up...
I've heard these books are good...  Preemies- The Essential Guide for Parents of Premature Babies  or The Premature Book by Dr. Sears.  (I'm going to try and check them out at the library.)

And love these cute outfits from Offspring

I want this from Etsy...  cute, huh?!  Wouldn't that cute hat and blanket be darling with the two outfits from offspring?  Yeah... I know.
I'm loving the pilot caps!


-For Pumping...
Honestly, I had decided NOT to pump and nurse because I know how hard this recovery is going to be on my body.  I've pumped twice before for full-term NICU babies and I'm not a good pumper.  (I've never been able to get much milk out.)  BUT... I've already read so much about how good breastmilk is for preemies that I've decided to try again.

Experienced preemie moms say I MUST get a hand's free pumping bra.
These pictures crack me up.  Don't worry friends, with this bra I can pump while I blog and make dinner!
Simple Wishes Hands Free Breast Pump Bra


That's all for now...
Hope you're having a great day!

haircut and a belly.

for your viewing pleasure, my husband recently downloaded my iPhone pictures to my computer...

here is a series of very awkward photos of me pregnant with a not-new-anymore layered hair cut...

here is me-- at home, on my way to the doctor's office, or waiting in the doctor's office.
I'm convinced that my iPhone distorts my face-- please don't tell me if I'm wrong.

{the funny thing is, you can't really see my hair in these pictures either... ha!}

enjoy~

(i can't believe I'm actually posting these dumb mugs...)

have a good day!

Week 21- Pregnant with Placenta Accreta/Percreta, Placenta Previa, Thalassemia

no, this is not me.
but, it will be someday... minus the glasses.
i love central lines!

{background info- Hello! My name is Jenifer and I am a stay-at-home mother to seven, wonderful children (2 boys and 5 girls).  I am currently pregnant with my eighth child (A BOY!!) and was diagnosed with Complete Placenta Previa (CPP) and Placenta Percreta.  I also have Beta Thalassemia Minor which contributes to severe anemia.

I am currently going to Oregon Health Science University (OHSU) in Portland to meet with specialists there.  I receive lots of blood transfusions and enjoy many doctor's appointments.  I am currently on pelvic rest, partial bed rest, taking vitamins, drinking green smoothies and trying to find joy in this journey.  

We feel SO blessed to have this baby and to be in the hands of skilled doctors.  This is a record of my pregnancy for my family and for those of you who may be experiencing something similar.  Yes, I share a lot, perhaps too much!  I am one who learns much from the experiences of others and I'm happy to share my experience with you, in the hopes that somehow it may help.}

Week 21--

Doctor Appointments.
Oh, how I love doctor's appointments.
This week we went to an Echocardiogram and met with our Gynecology/Oncologist  Dr. M.

Cardiology/Radiology-
Sitting in a small waiting room at the hospital it was Todd and me, with ten other very old people.  We try to talk and make jokes about the People magazines we're reading.  They look at us with sadness in their faces.  It is probably sad to see a young, pregnant mother sitting in Cardiology waiting room.  Wow.  There are so many things people deal with in this life.  So many health issues, so many different journeys.  I'm grateful for mine.

An Echocardiogram is just an ultrasound of your heart.  It's just like a regular ultrasound but a lot more boring with no baby moving around.  It took over an hour and Todd fell asleep.  I would have also if I hadn't been laying in an awkward, uncomfortable position with cold gel being rubbed around my chest.  As far as we know everything looked normal and this was just a cautionary test.  

Oncology-
We met for the first time with our main Gynecology-Oncologist surgeon- Dr. M.  (Although I do not have cancer, these are the best surgeons.  Placenta acts a lot like cancer.)  We waited for a few weeks for this particular doctor because she is the best.  I had heard so much about her that I was surprised to see she was a young, simple girl.  She was about my age with her hair pulled back in a braid and was a bit socially awkward.  She is the kind of doctor that you might not want as your pediatrician, but you most certainly want as your surgeon.  I could just feel that she is brilliant at what she does.  AND-- she is the FIRST doctor that didn't even mention abortion to me.  She was kind and talked about my surgery like it was something she did often.  SHE WASN'T SCARED OF ME OR MY CONDITION!!  I can't tell you how comforting it was to have a doctor talk to me with confidence and HOPE!  She made it seem like even the worst case scenario (which mine seems to be) was not that bad.

We talked for over an hour about the particulars of my surgery.  If they are able to operate as a planned, scheduled surgery (meaning if they don't have to rush me into surgery because I am hemoraghing), things will proceed as follows.

1- Anesthesia-   My surgery will hopefully be scheduled (around 34 weeks), up at OHSU, in their main operating room with many scheduled doctors.  They will start with a spinal block and I will stay awake.  I will get a central line (in my neck) and two iv ports in my arms.  It is better for me to stay awake as long as possible so they aren't worried about how much anesthesia the baby is getting.  Once they put me under, they have to hurry to get the baby out quickly.  The ports in my neck and arms just make things easier to pour straight to my heart if they need to.

2- Balloons- Some doctor will put balloon catheters into the main veins and arteries of my uterus and placenta.  These balloons will stay deflated while the baby is inside me (allowing blood flow to the placenta), and will be inflated after the baby is removed to try and limit my blood loss.  Since blood loss is the main cause of death with this condition, I'm grateful for this additional precaution.  I like balloons.

3-Stents (I've been calling them shunts, but they are different)- The Urologists will go in and put a tube in each of my Ureters.  (We talked about those last time.) The Ureters are tubes that go from your kidney to your bladder.  Things get swollen inside there when they are operating and they want to be sure not to cut those tubes.  (Although they did say it is not too difficult to repair them if needed.)  These tubes are also just precautionary markers to make surgery go smoother.

4- C-section- As I understand it, Dr. W., the Perinatologist, will deliver the baby.  They will do a large transverse cut down my stomach to give them a lot of room and to try to remove the baby from the top, without going near my placenta.  There will be a big panda team of doctors waiting to take my little guy to the NICU.  I will get to see him and then they will put me under for the big surgery.  Todd can stay in the operating room with me until they put me under.  I would want him to stay with the baby anyway, once the baby is out.

5- Hysterectomy- The Oncologist, Dr. M., will do the major hysterectomy part.  They hope to leave my ovaries and will only take my cervix depending on how involved it is with my placenta.  The hard part of this surgery will be stopping blood loss from the many involved veins.  There are four main arteries, but with placentas, little veins become big veins, so they have to tie off or cauterize a lot of different veins.  When they remove my placenta, my bladder will tear.

6- Bladder repair- The Urologists will repair my bladder.  They say bladders are pretty easy to repair so everything should go smoothly.

And then, they will sew me up.
Recovery will be tough.  I will most likely spend a day in the ICU.  If the surgery is bumpy and extra long, they will have to wake me up while I still have the breathing tube in.  If it is a fast surgery they will have time to take the tube out before I'm completely awake.  She said I will probably wake up with a tube in and be pretty out of it for a day or two.  As far as I understand they try to send you home as quickly as they can after surgery because the risk of infection is much greater at the hospital.  I will have a catheter for two to four weeks while my bladder heals up.  (That sounds fun?!)  And, it will be a tough recovery.  BUT, I should live and be back to normal in a couple of months.

Sigh.  Sounds fun, doesn't it?!!  We haven't met with NICU doctors yet to find out about the journey our little guy will be making.  I am most dreading that.  Cut me open, give me a catheter... but please don't make my baby suffer.  Ugh.  I'm not sure I can handle a preemie, preemie baby.

Hematology--
On Friday morning I had a CBC and I had an 8.6 Hemoglobin.  They transfused me two units of blood and I had another CBC on Monday-- my Hemoglobin was only 8.7.  Two units of blood should raise your Hemoglobin two units.  So, I should have gone from 8.6 to 10.6.  It is not good that I only went to 8.7.  It suggests that I'm having a delayed hemolytic transfusion reaction.  Meaning, my blood is rejecting the transfused blood.  Blah.  My doctor doesn't seem too concerned.  But, I am.  I just don't want anything else complicating this pregnancy or surgery.  I read somewhere that 1 in 250,000 transfusions have this type of reactions.  I think I need to play the lottery this month.

Test Results.
Echocardiogram- pretty normal as far as we know.
CBC- Hemoglobin 8.7, Hematocrit 26 (delayed hemolytic reaction?)

Physically at 21 weeks.
I feel fine.  A friend told me her son-in-law said, "She sure looks healthy."  I'm so grateful to be home on bed rest and not in the hospital.  I still go places, sit, stand, and lay down.  I am SO grateful I'm not bleeding or spotting.
My belly is growing and for the first time I am just so grateful my baby is growing that I don't even care how big I get.  I don't think this little guy will get to bake the whole time, so I want him to be BIG when he does come out.

Mentally at 21 weeks.
It was hard to hear the details of the delivery.  Afterwards Todd and I were a bit empty.  It's one thing to read about someone else's story.  It is another thing to be sitting in the chair, looking at the hands that will one day cut your insides out.  (Sorry if that is too graphic.)  I want to live.  I'm so grateful for skilled doctors.  I don't like statistics.  I really like my bladder, and overies, and cervix, and uterus.  This surgery and recovery sounds awful-- but completely 110% worth it.

The thought of being awake while they cut into me makes me nervous.  But, I would do anything if it was better for my baby.  I used to have nightmares about getting a shot and now I try not to think about central lines and large scars down my abdomen.  I have a friend who just had a similar surgery.  Reading her description makes me gag.  She is positive and hopeful but to me, it sounds awful. This is going to happen to me whether I like it or not.  It doesn't sound fun.  But, it is my journey.  I can choose to have a tantrum or choose to accept this path and climb the best I can.  Today, I'm choosing to just take one day at a time.  The surgery does loom ahead of me like an upcoming exam that I can never quite prepare for.

I bought a sweet little boy outfit- size newborn.  (My other babies hardly wore newborn size.  I think it will be a few months before this little guy fits into newborn.)  It is HARD to feel connected to this baby.  This pregnancy is such a medical oddity that so much of it is learning and testing and waiting... it is more about blood and placenta than it is about sweet baby boy kicks and funny cravings.  It is also more about ME than HIM.  I hate that.  I try to hold that sweet little newborn outfit and imagine there will come a time when he is discharged from the NICU and I am all healed up.  There will come a day when he is just my baby boy and I am just his regular mother.  I will hold him without being afraid that he will die and he will be a symbol of LIFE not the possibility of death.  I can't wait for that day.

 Finally, I have been amazed at the feelings of guilt I am feeling.  So many people call, or bring meals, take care of my kids, tell me they are praying for me and my family, bring me books and cds, and come to my home to clean or care for my family.  So many people are serving me at this time.  Although this is hard, it really is EASIER than normal life.  Honestly.

Before I got pregnant it was hard doing laundry, caring for my kids, cooking meals, shopping, budgeting, enduring...  I didn't have anyone helping me.  I didn't get to spend days at a time with my sweet husband while others cared for my kids.  In SO many ways, regular life is HARDER than times of trial.  And, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I'm getting meatloaf and prayers and dates with my husband and you are just enduring your everyday.

I'm sorry that my trial grows in front of me and is visible while your trials might be internal and just as hard.  I can stand up and testify of my trials and God's blessings at a church testimony meeting... while so many that I know are struggling with heartache or relationships or addictions or problems that nobody can see.  I'm sorry.

Life is hard for ALL of us.  No one is exempt.  I love this quote by President Packer, "Some are tested by poor health, some by a body that is deformed or homely. Others are tested by handsome and healthy bodies; some by the passion of youth; others by the erosions of age.  Some suffer disappointment in marriage, family problems; others live in poverty and obscurity. Some (perhaps this is the hardest test) find ease and luxury.  All are part of the test, and there is more equality in this testing than sometimes we suspect."  (read the whole talk, The Choice, here.)

Today, this is my test.  It is hard, but it is a blessing in my life.  My life is NOT harder today than it was prior to my pregnancy.  It is different hard.  I'm so grateful for the perspective that trials give to our life journey.  And, I'm praying for you.  Because I know that your journey is tough too.  I wish I could bring you a meatloaf or send you my mom to organize your closets for a week.  Because, sometimes it is nice to know that you are not alone.  We are never alone.  God is with all of us as we endure and enjoy our everyday journey.  Carry on friends!

Life is good!
{guess what?!!!!  i have NOOOOOOO  doctor appointments next week!!  NONE!!  What will I do with myself?}

books i'm reading...

i thought it would be fun to keep track of the books i've read during this period of resting...

but honestly, i'm lazy and a bit, well, embarrassed.
i've been reading a lot.  I'm just giving you a taste of all the beauties I've read...

Yes, I have recently finished The Lumberjack's Lady, by Susan Page Davis ** (two out of five stars)

A very poorly written, christian fiction about a dashing lumberjack who rescues the bosses daughter from a freezing lake, is hired to work in the office with her, falls in love (well, the actual falling in love occurs as he is pulling her up out of the icy water and their eyes lock- he is saying "come to me, reach for me" and she is mouthing "please save me"), her father dies and they inherit all her wealth and live happily ever after.  It was perfect on an afternoon where my brain was spinning and I needed to slow down.  Books like this make me grateful to cuddle up at night next to my own little lumberjack man.  

Here are a few of my favorite reads of late...

(I'm going to rate them-- but I just want you to know that I am a tough critic.  And, I do think there are times in our lives that we just need to read a two star book.  I am trying to read my way through the Harvard Classics-- it is just about impossible for me to always read intelligent books.  Sometimes I just need The Lumberjack's Lady...  to be honest.)

No Doubt About It- by Sheri Dew. ***** (five out of five stars)

This was SO good.  I've read it before, but this time I ate it.  It was inspiring and renewed my eternal vision just at a time when I was floundering.  I  love this book.

The Princess Academy and A Palace of Stone- by Shannon Hale. ***** (five out of five stars)

I had to reread the Princess Academy before I read the newest volume, A Palace of Stone.  I love both of them.  I love how I could get lost in this well-written fiction story and leave my own little bed for awhile.  Great books!

Drops of Gold, by Sarah Eden. ***** (five out of five stars)

This is a new book from Deseret Book, it is a regency romance and a quick read.  I loved it.  I thought it was very well written and it had me sobbing (not too hard with pregnancy hormones) and laughing.  This was honestly one of my favorite reads lately.  I do love a good romance.

The Rent Collector, by Cameron Wright ***** (five or four and a half out of five stars)

I did like this book a lot.  So many people recommended it to me that I guess I expected it to be amazing and was a tad bit disappointed   Great book, not life changing for me though.  

The Shell Seekers, by Rosamunde Pilcher **** (four out of five stars)

I like to read Pilcher.  She is slow and does mundane well.  I don't love the stories she chooses to tell.  They are very real-- with ups and downs and real people with character flaws and a mixture of good and bad choices.  I tend to like a bit more of a happily ever after-- but she is an interesting, well-written, LONG read.

The Lessons of St. Francis, by John Michael Talbot **** (four out of five stars)

I love St. Francis.  He causes me to think and want to be better.  I can not, however, stay awake and finish the book.  So, four stars.

Keepers of the Flame, by Peterson/Gaunt  ***** (five out of five stars)

This is an old book where each chapter is about a different general young woman president.  I LOVE IT.  These women are all so different and so inspiring.  I love reading about the lives of good women.  

Secret Daughter, by Shilipi Gowda **** (four out of five stars)

Ugh.  This was a book that pulled me through, but not a happy story.  A true coming of age story for a mother and her adopted daugher.  It was good, it was real, it taught me...  I'm glad I read it.

Blackberry Crumble, by Josi Kilpak **** (four out of five stars)

I don't think Josie is a particularly amazing writer, but her books are great for the days I need a distraction and don't have enough blood to really concentrate.  She makes me hungry with her distractions and her books pull me through.  I always want to eat all the food she describes...  fun books. 

Before My Heart Stops, by Paul Cardall **** (four out of five stars)

This book was heart-wrenching for me- pun intended.  It reads like a blog and yet I know it is a true story.  I'm amazed at the depth of trials some must pass through and I love this sweet family.  I loved all the pictures and the perspective.  I'm grateful that my heart is, and has always been, healthy.  

{I've actually been reading a lot of family history books and church manuals.  I love them.  I am so inspired as I read about the journeys of those who came before me.}

Today I'm reading--

Remembering Isaac, The Wise and Joyful Potter of Niederbipp, by Ben Behunin (love it.)

and

The Autobiography of Ben Franklin, by Ben Franklin.  (I am also loving it.)

Placenta Accreta/Percreta, Placenta Previa, Thalassemia Pregnancy week 20

You LOVE looking at bladder diagrams, don't you?!
See those two tubes-- the Ureter. They don't want to damage them during my bladder repair,
so they will go in ahead of time and stick plastic tubes in them to mark where they are.  fun, fun!!  

{background info- Hello! My name is Jenifer and I am a stay-at-home mother to seven, wonderful children (2 boys and 5 girls).  I am currently pregnant with my eighth child (A BOY!!) and was diagnosed with Complete Placenta Previa (CPP) and Placenta Percreta.  I also have Beta Thalassemia Minor which contributes to severe anemia.  Two of my previous births were emergency c-sections, I had one prior D&C after an incomplete miscarriage, and a surgery on my small intestines when I was in middle school.  (Previous uterine surgeries do increase your risk of Placenta Accreta.) 

My placenta is on the anterior wall of my uterus adhered to the myometrium, directly over my previous c-section scars, and has spread (like a cancer) to other organs in my abdomen, mainly my bladder.  Doctors also note that my Percreta covers almost my whole placenta, not a small portion.  They are hoping to begin steroid shots at 32 weeks and deliver with a large team of specialists (and a lot of waiting blood) no later than 34 weeks (that will be around June 1st).  CPP suggests that I will probably begin bleeding prior to 32 weeks, if that happens I will be hospitalized until my delivery.

I bled/spotted for the first three months of this pregnancy which led to visits to the Office of Genetics and Maternal-Fetal Medicine where I was originally diagnosed with CPP and possible Accreta, around 12 weeks.  I am currently going to Oregon Health Science University (OHSU) in Portland to meet with specialists there.  I receive lots of blood transfusions and enjoy many doctor's appointments.  I am currently on pelvic rest, partial bed rest, taking vitamins, drinking green smoothies and trying to find joy in this journey.  

We feel SO blessed to have this baby and to be in the hands of skilled doctors.  This is a record of my pregnancy for my family and for those of you who may be experiencing something similar.  Yes, I share a lot, perhaps too much!  I am one who learns much from the experiences of others and I'm happy to share my experience with you, in the hopes that somehow it may help.}

Week 20--  

Doctor Appointments.
Urology--
At a previous ultrasound, I was informed that I would need a scan of my bladder or Cystoscopy.  When I asked if they would do it that day the Sonographer said, "Oh no honey, you will be scheduled and put to sleep.  That scan hurts.  It's a large camera up inside you, bigger than a catheter."  So.... I was a bit surprised when I showed up to my first Urology appointment and was shown into a room with a large TV monitor  hanging iv fluid and was told they were going to scan my bladder that morning.  (These OHSU don't waste any time!  I have yet to have one office visit, they are always doing things.)  This nurse said, "It doesn't hurt much.  It's just a big pinch, like an IV."  I thought- AN IV IN A PLACE I DON'T WANT AN IV!?!  They asked if residents could come observe the process.  I said "Sure, the more the merrier!!"

My husband was so excited and awed by the technical equipment surrounding him.  His "THIS IS SO COOL!" rubbed me a bit wrong.  I asked the doctor if there were any residents that needed to practice placing scopes and volunteered Todd, since he thought it was so "interesting" to have a camera stuck up your urethra.  Sigh...  It wasn't fun, but it wasn't horrific either.

i don't know what is happening with this person's bladder...
but mine looked like the lower part-- just skin and small veins.
Plus, there was one large, red, pumping scary looking vein clump that i did not love.

It is neat seeing inside of your body.  A bladder looks like a balloon made out of skin- I really wish I had taken a picture of the monitor with my iPhone (next time!  I know you can't wait).   It is skin colored and clean with tiny red veins.  We could see where my uterus was pushing up against the bladder- these organs are smushed right next to each other.  And then, there was this big, red, varicose vein looking thing.  It obviously didn't belong.  That was placental veins that have grown into my bladder.  It was scary looking.

The doctor said things looked great.  The growth was near, but not on, one of the tubes that leads to my kidneys.  She said they would probably want to go in before my surgery to shunt those two tubes so they are able to locate them when they do my bladder repair.  When my placenta and uterus is removed, it will probably tear my bladder.  They will just stitch it back closed (being careful not to damage those tubes) and I'll have to use a catheter for 2-4 weeks while my bladder heals.  She assured me that bladders are pretty resilient and not difficult to repair.  She kept saying, "This looks great."  I kept thinking- It doesn't look great to me.  Great would be "We can't find any placenta in here"  or "See that tiny thing that is hard to see, that is what we're concerned about."  Great, in my opinion, is not some nasty, red, huge, growing vein thing.  Just saying.  She also raved about my perinatologist saying that she was a brilliant doctor and I was so lucky to have her.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to tell her that my brilliant doctor strongly advised me to abort my baby.  But, I didn't.  I just pretended that, despite what I thought I could see on the screen and what I was feeling, everything was GREAT!!

Hematology--
After some pretty low CBC lab results on Monday, I was on the way to the Corvallis hospital for a blood transfusion when OHSU in Portland called and asked me to wait to get blood until I met with the hematologist up there.

The earliest appointment they could get me was for Friday.  It was a long wait, but I was very excited to finally meet with a doctor who knew about my Thalassemia blood condition.  This doctor specializes in blood conditions in pregnancy.  Perfect!  She is a hippy-ish doctor who knows her stuff.  We talked for a long time, she noticed I was dizzy and had me lay down for the appointment.  She was concerned about many of the things that I was concerned about, that my previous doctor brushed off.

She thinks I may have had a minor transfusion reaction on my last transfusion (my CBC results dropped after being transfused).  She's concerned about antibodies in my blood that will make my blood difficult to match in the case of an emergency.  She is concerned about my heart (having had between 20-30 previous transfusions and lots of anemia, my heard could be affected).  She is concerned that there might be another reason (besides Thalassemia) that is causing my blood levels to be so low.  Because I am at risk for bleeding at anytime, she wants to keep my blood levels higher than they otherwise would need to be.  She also wants me to email her with my symptoms on a regular basis.  I completely trust this doctor, she has cared for MANY pregnant women with Thalassemia .  You can feel she is a wise woman.  I feel very safe in her care.

Insurance--
I feel like I should add a little caveat here.  Since we have been transferred to OHSU we have been on the phone often with our insurance company.  OHSU is out of network for us so we would normally have to pay 30% of every test, appointment, hospitalization and surgery.  Even in-network we have a $250 minimum for specialist.  Times that by 30 specialists and it's crazy.  That is A LOT of money.  We have great insurance and are coordinating with many doctor's offices to submit the proper explanation of why we need to be at OHSU so they can approve in-network benefits.  Ultimately, we will be fine financially.  BUT-- I feel for those in similar situations who have the additional stress of financial concerns on top of medical concerns.  Those who work in medical offices with insurance companies are SAINTS.  The amount of paperwork and silly hoops you have to jump through is mind boggling.  Blah!  I hate money.

Test Results.
Cystoscopy- placenta attached to the wall of the uterus. 
CBC- Hemoglobin 7.6, Hematocrit 24 (transfusion of 2 units of blood platelets)
Lots of blood tests ordered, they are checking my clotting ability and trying to genetically pinpoint my beta Thalassemia.

Next week I'm scheduled for an Echocardiogram (an ultrasound of my heart) and I meet with my Gynecology/Oncologist who will head up my eventual surgery.  So fun!

Physically at 20 weeks.
I felt horrible this weak.  My worst week yet.  With low blood, I was weak and light-headed, very dizzy and very tired.  My hands and my feet started loosing circulation easily and I was often panting for breath, especially if I had to walk for short distances.  It was hard for me to sleep and hard for me to read.  I was VERY ready for my transfusion on Friday.

Mentally at 20 weeks.
I'll be honest with you.  Throughout the whole process of learning about this surgery, I have been most afraid of getting a catheter and having to keep it in post-surgery.  Are you laughing at me?  Bleeding to death, no problem, Catheter- AHH!  So, this cystoscopy freaked me out.  On the way home Todd and I had a long talk, meaning I talked and he listened.  I told him that I needed him to listen to my fears more so that he could know when I was really afraid.  Sometimes I act too brave and people don't know that I'm really a wimp deep down.  Can't wait to see my bladder again in May!  And, I'm so glad I have a husband that loves me and listens-- a lot.

And, I have to add that I left my Hematology appointment feeling so VALIDATED and a bit ANGRY.  Many of the things that this new specialist was concerned about, I had been concerned about since the beginning.  My previous hematologist was nice, but she dismissed every concern I had and made me feel dumb.  The greatest anxiety I feel during this pregnancy comes when I think my doctors are wrong.  I am SO glad that I found myself with a new doctor, but I hate that I could have trusted my other doctor more than I trusted my gut.  I have learned this lesson so many times-- as much as I hate making any waves, we MUST trust our own gut.  If a doctor doesn't seem to understand or focus on things that are concerning to you-- KEEP LOOKING for the answers you seek.  I have found there is great peace that comes from TRUSTING your doctor, even if the doctor is telling you bad news.  I love my new hematologist because she's smarter than me and she is not dismissing my concerns.  That brings great peace into my life...

I actually feel great emotionally.  It was nice having my dad here to help with kids and meals.  He took a big load off of Todd, and when Todd is happier, I don't feel so guilty laying down.

I've been reading my scriptures a lot lately.  I can see the hand of the Lord in my life hour by hour.  I honestly feel so grateful for this experience and I know that "God is for me."  He loves me and these trials are gifts in my life.

Here are a few ways I see the "gift" in this experience--
1- so many kind people.
We've gotten meals and desserts and books and kind notes and phone calls and babysitting and cute robes or pj's ..  people are so kind.  I feel blessed to be on the receiving end of kind people and they inspire me to want to be more giving.
2- wise, trained doctors and nurses and technicians and secretaries.  
Wow, my life has been so blessed by kind, skilled people who serve in the medical field.
3- time with family.
I'm grateful that my children and I get to have more time with family who is coming to visit and care for me. I would choose this trial just for this time with my parents.
4- time with Todd.
Although this isn't a two week getaway to the Caribbean islands, Todd and I get to spend a lot of time together.  We drive two hours up and back to Portland at least once or twice a week.  He sits by me for hours and hours while I get transfused.  We steal lunches together at the hospital cafeteria or at our favorite Thai place on the way home late at night.  It is SO nice to spend so much time with the man I love, without our children.  Even when it's not always FUN, this time is a gift.
5- quiet time.
On the days that I am beginning to go stir crazy, I remind myself-- this time is a gift.  I am always asking myself "What can I do today that I could not do if I were caring for my home and family?"  I feel blessed to be able to be still.  To pray and ponder, to write in my journal, to read good books, to talk to good people, to be inspired and to feel peace.
6- perspective!
It is SO FUN to see my life as an observer.  So many times I watch my father and my husband trying to cajole eve to lay down for a diaper change or trying to clean up the house with toddlers at their heels and I just laugh.  My job is a hard job.  It is a job so hard that even two people can't do what I normally do.  Watching them I understand why my house is still messy after a whole day of cleaning and why I occasionally loose my temper with my children.  Taking care of a large brood is relentless and continual.  It is funny watching them try to do it and I can see how amazing I really am.  (I mean this humbly.)  Mothers really are amazing.  Imagine what your life would look like if you could watch from a recliner?  I'm so grateful for this perspective.

Additionally, facing my own mortality has been a gift.  Truthfully, I am not afraid of "being transferred to the Spirit World" as Elder Bednar put it.  I'm not afraid at all.  I really do have complete faith in a loving, omnipotent Father in Heaven.  I know that my life is ALWAYS in His hands, and He is working for my good.  I have faith that I will live and that my baby will live.  But, I also have faith enough to die.  It is not something I have had to seek for these past few weeks, it is just innate in my being.  I KNOW.  I know He loves me and I know whatever happens it will be OK for me and my family.

Hard trials are GIFTS.  We ALL have trials in life, and this is mine.  I'd pick this trial.  I am grateful that today I know who I am, I know God's plan and I'm following Him in faith.  I believe in my Savior, Jesus Christ.  I'll honor His name.  I'll do what is right, I'll follow His light.  His truth I will proclaim!!
(That's a children's song that I love.)

Life is good!!

Want to watch an amazing talk?  Elder Bednar was speaking RIGHT to me...
but honestly, I could have given this talk... I KNOW IT!!
He says, "To not SHRINK is more important than to SURVIVE!"
watch it here--
http://www.lds.org/broadcasts/watch/ces-devotionals/2013/01?lang=eng&vid=2201224691001
really!

AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS MORE THAN ANY OF YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT MY BLADDER!!  HA!  TEN POINTS EXTRA CREDIT FOR ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY READS THIS POST!!  TEN POINTS, AND A FRONT ROW SEAT AT MY NEXT CYSTOSCOPY... TRUST ME-- YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS THIS!!

The Journey... 

Week 21
Week 19
Week 18
Choosing Life
In a Moment...

a new coat.

this is me, in my new coat, next year. 

A pretty famous LDS prophet, Brigham Young, said the following...
"I have heard a great many tell about what they have suffered for Christ's sake.  I am happy to say I never had occasion to.  I have enjoyed a great deal, but so far as suffering goes I have compared it a great many times, in my feelings and before congregations, to a man wearing an old, worn-out, tattered and dirty coat, and somebody comes along and gives him one that is new, whole and beautiful.  This is the comparison that I draw when I think of what I have suffered for the Gospel's sake-- I have thrown away an old coat and have put on a new one." (DBY, 348)

Today I don't feel well, probably the worst I've felt in a long time.  I'm very low on blood and will be getting more soon.  I'm trying to finish up all the commitments that I have made previously and trying not to take on many more.  I'm certain I'll feel better after my hunt :), but I feel my capacity to do is dwindling.

It has been so nice to have my dad visit.  He is Mr. Mom, cooking and taking care of my little ones.  As an observer, I realize just how hard it is to care for seven children, cook meals, drive all over dropping off and picking up, clean the house and do the laundry.  This doesn't even count the amazing patience and REPETITION that leading seven little wiggle worms requires.  It's pretty much impossible for both my father and Todd to do what I try to do by myself most days.  Ha!  It IS pretty amazing all I can accomplish when I'm feeling better.  (If I do say so myself.)

This trial is refining me.  It is hard.  I hate needing help.  I'm awful at accepting help and I'm learning to do this more graciously.  People are so good and kind.  I'm thankful for kind nurses and doctors and friends and family.  Thank you for your prayers and your hope!

Today, I am getting measured for my new, shiny coat.  I can feel my soul stretching and I am grateful for this experience.  I can't help but listen to the many horrible things that people have to endure in life.  My trials are GOOD trials, good trials that come from good things.  I'm making a baby.  I have a hard time accepting the sweet service that is being offered to me.    My home is cluttered with projects and toys and books and reminders of fun.  Oh, how grateful I am for the trials I am NOT dealing with.

Life is a bit blurry and slower these days-- but so good.

the FUN of a large family.

On President's Day we went to the aquarium.
The kids took turns with Todd, pushing the stroller and pushing me around in a wheel chair.

I'm still embarrassed when Todd asks for a wheel chair for me without giving any reason why I need one.
He thinks it's none of their business why I need a wheel chair.
I tend towards over-disclosure (if you haven't figure that out by now.)
Anyway, the looks I get as I'm being pushed around do make me smile.

During the amazing, dramatic, musical that my children performed for us, Lily got stepped on.
While she was crying, the older children tried to encourage her to move back a bit.
In exasperation she replied, "I CAN'T MOVE!!  I'M A STARFISH."  We all laughed.  i love those kids. 

I have to say, the best part of having lots of kids, is watching them interact with one another.
Sure, my kids fight sometimes.
But they are best friends ALL of the time.

It is so fun to watch them and to see what great parents they will make someday.

I see so much of myself in my older kids.

I hear my voice as they are coaxing their younger siblings into the stroller.
They laugh at the same cute things that make me laugh.

eve doesn't miss ANYTHING. 

In many ways they exceed me in their parenting and negotiating and distraction skills.

my kids love to pose for pictures.
Here, ellie climbed up on a rock, posed like an explorer, and said, "Mom, take a picture."
They are doing this constantly and the random pictures always make me smile.  

I love their creativity and energy.
Having a large family is the best.

We spent a long time at the touching pool of our aquarium.
The sweet grandmother volunteer told me about 5 times what well-behaved children I had.
Looking around, it wasn't well-behaved that made my children stand apart from the other children that afternoon.

These sweet sisters are always together.  They are very different, but so much alike.  

It was that they were adorable and helpful interacting with each other.

When children have younger siblings, they learn to teach and contribute and they become more responsible and patient.

My kids are happy children.

They might not wear clothes that match or have their hair fixed, but they are adorable.

They are funny and kind and it makes my heart swell with appreciation for the sweet children that have been sent to my family.

It is adorable to watch (even from a wheel chair.)
Children are blessings.
I am so blessed.

Leah loves animals.  I wish I had a better picture of her laughing at the underside of the stingrays.  (She loves their smiling faces.)  Here she is watching the sharks swim under her.  I love that active, smart little girl.  

silly lily.

eve loves when they swing her... she won't even walk because she wants a swing.
my kids die laughing as they pull her along.  

Life is beautiful.