Waking Up.

Rocking.

Recently, I read a blog post about sleeping babies by a mother I love.

I found myself reacting strong, emotionally and a bit defensively.

I read a sweet mom who was saying that she was willing to make the effort to care for her babies during their first year of life.  She does this by nursing, co-sleeping, wearing and bouncing her babies.

I do not co-sleep, breastfeed, or even rock my baby to sleep.

He is one of the happiest, easiest babies I have ever known.

She wasn't attacking me at all- but I felt attacked.  Why?

We all have these moments, don't we?  Where something someone says rubs a raw place in our heart.  I can't tell you how often understanding these raw spots has given me a chance to heal and grow.

I found myself mentally writing an ongoing essay about the pros of teaching your baby to sleep in his own bed, supplementing with formula if necessary and NOT baby wearing.  I can write that essay because I do believe in those things.

But, I also believe everything this mom was saying.  We are way more alike than we are different.  Why the emotion??

Duh.  

You could have told me, couldn't you?

Um-- hello!!  I didn't actually choose not to nurse, carry my baby, or rock him to sleep.  

One afternoon, Ben started whining and I knew he was ready for his nap.  

My sleep routine is, I carry him upstairs (if no one is home to carry him for me), hug and kiss his delicious little self, lay him down on his belly in his crib, turn on the fan, hear him take a deep breath, turn to see his eyes closed, and walk out the door.

Really.

He doesn't cry.  Sometimes he whines and scoots for a few minutes.

He is very nearly always content.

This afternoon, instead of laying him down, I sat with him in my glider.

The glider I've soothed and rocked eight children to sleep in.

Ben fussed-- he would rather be laid down.

But, I couldn't.  I wouldn't.

I needed him to let me be his real mom.

I kissed on him and sang to him and used all of my maternal wooing to trick him to sleep in my arms.

In the midst of my charming mother duck impersonation, Ben smiled, took a deep breath, and fell asleep with silly grin still on his face.

I sobbed.  Sobbed!

How I've missed this!!

I missed holding him, rocking him, being the ONE in his life.  

I've been sick and weak and tired... and I've missed so much.

This stupid year has given me life, given me a precious son, given me wisdom and experience and robbed me of too much.

My stomach wound has kept me from being able to hold my big guy.

Actually, holding him when I shouldn't have cost me a hernia and upcoming bowel resection.  It sucks.

The absolute hardest thing about the past year has been seeing, yearning, needing to parent and being physically or emotionally not strong enough to do it.  Hard.  Hard times eight kids, one husband, a silly puppy, and a new house who all need more than I am physically or emotionally capable of giving.

Whenever I write blogs like this, people always try to comment and remove the pain.  Please, do not think that this blog has anything at all to do with another mother's sleep habits.  It doesn't.

This blog is about me, and you, and how allowing ourselves to recognize raw spots can help us to heal.

Reading another mom's testimony of loving bedtimes reminded me to mother more.  To let myself feel again.  To let myself mourn this sweet time that I am missing and also to let me feel the beauty that I still have.

I rocked my littlest to bed again tonight.

(I'm hiding in my bedroom, sobbing, writing this post because my world outside my room is overwhelming.)

I cannot bear to leave my family again.  I hate seeing everything that I didn't get done before I'm leaving and I hate knowing that I will come back healing. 

I'll be unable to lift- again.  Unable to pee, unable to be intimate with my husband, unable to grocery shop by myself, or care for my own house.  

My surgeon said no lifting over 15 pounds for 6 months.  My baby is close to 25 pounds.  I will lift him, cautiously.  I will do laundry in time.  I have a hernia- I know why they warn you.  And, this is hard.  I will do it, but it is hard.

Do you feel that pain with me for one minute?  Just feel that feeling of wanting, needing to lift and comfort and knowing that if you did or if you didn't, you'd be hurting.

I needed to feel it, so I could move on.

I hate this.

I just want to be a regular old mom.

I'm really scared.

I know I can do this.  I just don't want to.

I don't want to need help.  

I don't want to be optimistic and strong.

I don't want another IV, another scar, another cut into my ureter or my intestines or my stomach.

I want to paint my nails with my big girls, go see a movie with my boys, lay on the floor reading to the little girls while they color me pictures and play with my hair.

I want to make passionate love to my husband without him feeling afraid to hurt me.  (Sorry to say it, but it's true.  And you should all love your husbands extra gratefully tonight- because you can!)

I want to nurse my chubby baby boy, to rock him to sleep, and to be the only one he wakes up to each morning. 

I don't want housework to be so physically difficult for me that it is all I do!

Ugh!

When I ignore the hard, I just become numb and distant.

I've been a bit numb and distant this week.

Feeling the pain and letting myself grieve, also opens the path to healing.

Rocking my sweet, solid little boy hurt and healed my mother soul.

I felt how he is not mine and claimed him back.

This baby is mine.

He loves me.

He knows me.

My hard is worth it.

He is worth this year of hard.

Without the hard I couldn't have had him!

Like it or not-- this is MY life.

I don't love this chapter, but I really love the book.

Tomorrow I will say goodbye to my ever-needy leprechauns.  

They will be well-cared for without me.

I will feel the sacrifice of many for me and mine.

I will overwhelm some who offer to help and offend others- it's a ridiculous balance.

I will leave my baby and he might not even notice I am gone.

Little orphan boy.

It hurts both ways- if I think he'll want me and if I think he won't.

I will cling to my husband even as I feel the weight he carries.

I will feel afraid and feel holy peace.

I will experience pain and feel the love of many.

I will have some things repaired, some questions answered, and have things that still need to be repaired and problems unanswered.

Tomorrow night I will be one day older and a few steps wiser.  

My hard will be different hard.

And, soon.  

So soon, I will find my way back to this glider.

I will reclaim my maternal throne.

I am their mother.

They are mine.

I can do this for them.

For him.

This is an honor because I am so blessed.

Oh, I know how blessed I am.

And, I feel Him, my Father.

Take me into His arms, even as I fuss to just lay down and go to sleep.

He rocks with me, and distracts me, and pats my tired back with his familiar hands.

He is mine and I am His.

And, without this hard, I couldn't know Him like I do.

I wouldn't know me like I do.

Sometimes, He holds me while I cry, so I can feel His love.

Life is hard and good in the very same beautifully crappy moments.

I'm actually really excited for tomorrow.

Thank goodness I don't have to think about it for that much longer.

Who knows if I'll ever be brave enough to publish the silly, emotional, therapeutic post.

It is real.

My scars have made me strong.

And i know that 

Life is good!

Placenta Accreta- Surgery 9 months After C-Section

If you are reading this blog and have been diagnosed with Accreta or Percreta, my heart goes out to you.  My story is not typical- it's close to worst-case scenerio.  So-- don't let my story scare you!

We are lucky to live in this modern-age of medical advances, but actually experiencing the miracle is hard.  I try to laugh my way through and take one day at a time.  I know God holds you and your little ones close.

My baby is 9 months old.

He is beautiful, happy, and a bit delayed even if one uses his adjusted preemie age.  

We have full confidence that he'll catch up soon.

When I chose to not abort my little guy, I was very naive as to how hard my journey to get him here would be.  

Today, I know how hard it was and I would make the exact same choice again tomorrow.  Life is worth the sacrifice.

I feel better than I have in a year.

I can walk, sit on the ground, perform normal tasks like grocery shopping, laundry, and sex.  (Just the essential tasks for us "non-working" mothers.)

I have had a stent in my left ureter for over six months.  It has been changed twice.  I have had numerous cystoscopies, CT Scans, urine analysis, kidney tests, blood tests, etc..  

I pee my pants often.  

No, I'm not talking about a gentle leak when I cough.  I'm talking about a soothing, warm, "good thing I'm wearing depends" pee.  I love it.  ;)

I almost always have a kidney infection, bladder infection, or a yeast infection.

My legs are tingly and numb at times.  

The hair that fell out after my delivery is just growing back in, so I'm a complete fuzz head (not chemo-like, just regrowth).

My pain is manageable.

Aside from my almost constant antibiotics and vesicare (to relax my bladder), I don't take any medication.

Follow-up issues...

1- I have a stitch in the bottom of my left ureter (the tiny tube that brings urine from your kidney to your bladder).  My surgeon is planning to cut that part off my ureter and reattach it to my bladder.  This is kind of tricky because my bladder is pretty scarred.  

The problem with the stitch is that my ureter gets clogged and my kidney gets infected (and even septic).  One side-effect of reattaching a ureter is urine reflux, that causes kidney infections.  Nice.

As doctors were working frantically to save my life they made only two small mistakes, they cut my right illiac artery (oops!) and caught my left ureter in a stitch.  I absolutely love and appreciate my miracle working doctors.  They are my heros.  If it weren't for them, I'd be dead.  It really bugs me when people are critical of the work that they did.  Just so you know.  I can't even imagine trying to sew someone closed in the midst of a blood bath.  I am nothing but grateful and in awe of brave, brave surgeons.

2- I have a fistula that goes from my bladder to my vaginal opening.  A fistula is a tube that forms when two stitched areas sit on top of each other- it's the easiest way for urine to get out, so it just forms a tunnel.  In my case, my stitched bladder was near my stitched cervix and a little tube was created.  Urine comes out where I used to bleed.  Interesting, huh?

Fistulas are hard to fix.  You have to actually place a barrier (like a piece of intestinal wall) between the two open wounds to stop a fistula from reforming.  Lovely.  A side-effect of this surgery is that it might not work and could cause future issues with my intestines.  Lovely.

3- I have some yucky stitches and that fistula opening where my cervix used to be.  I think they are going to clean that up.

4- I have a pretty large, scary hernia near my belly button at the top of my vertical incision scar.  (How I wish I had worn my stomach binder faithfully for at least six months post surgery.  Not that it would have changed things- but maybe it could have.)  

You have a lot of layers on your stomach- skin, fat, muscle.  The top of my scar didn't heal right, so I have skin and then intestines.  Yuck!  If I hold my baby too long or don't wear my binder, my intestines pop out like a painful bubble.  It's awful.

My doctor says there is only 3mm of skin covering my intestines. Gross.  My intestines are actually adhered to my skin.  So-- they have to do a bowel resection to fix my hernia.  Ugh. Yes, I could still end up with a poop bag.  I hope not!

I have surgery scheduled for Monday, St. Patty's day.  My surgeon better be wearing green!! 

I'm sad, scared and nervous.  Mostly I'm just distracted.  I really can't focus on my normal life because I have this impending cliff getting closer quickly...

Right now, they are planning to do a laparoscopic surgery to repair my innards.  (Six two inch slices around my stomach).  They don't think they can fix my hernia at the same time which makes me a bit crazy.  I really don't want to go through this again!

And- that's all.

I wish I could organize my basement, decorate my house, play with my kids, or file away my overflowing box of "papers to save".

Next week I'll focus on plumbing issues and return to life as a lady of leisure soon enough.

Sigh.  I receive many Facebook, blog and email messages from woman dealing with Accreta.  I'm hesitant to continue to share my details because frankly, this is rough.  

I wish my blog could let you feel, for a moment, how really hard this has been AND how genuinely beautiful it has been.

I am alive because hundreds of people have learned and trained and practiced and served and prayed and laughed and cried and worked to keep me alive.  It is humbling and empowering.

The veil between life and death is thin.  It is a veil any of us could cross any moment.

One of my heros, Elder Russell M. Nelson was a world renown heart surgeon.  He was a pioneer of open heart surgery.  One evening, as they were folding laundry together watching television, his own wife had a heart attack and died in his arms.  Can you imagine?  He was a heart surgeon!!  Death is beautifully, tragically, inevitable sometimes.  

Both life and death are passageways.  They are both gifts necessary for our eternal progression.  Trials mold our souls and refine us.  I am full of gratitude that my hard had purpose!  We all have hard-- I feel lucky to have a beautiful, chubby, delicious baby to motivate me onward.

(What I get to wake up to...)

Life, even with messy insides, is good!

Today is a great day to be alive.

So is Tuesday, by the way.

Thanks for reading!

Plan Ahead School Lunches

Yes- we pack our lunches on Saturday morning!  Actually, we pack 60 lunches every other Saturday.  Ha!  That's 10 days of lunches for 6 kids.

(I have a friend who does PB and J, as many as they want, an apple, and frozen, homemade baked goods.  Her kids drink from the water fountain.  That is definitely the cheapest way to do lunch.  I was raised on free lunches with packed lunch envy.  I want my kids to have fun lunches, so I sacrifice a little money and a little healthiness.  Sometimes I make creative, fun lunches for them. But, lately we're in survival mode.  So this is how we roll.)

Who doesn't like a little extra time in the morning before school?

Although I thought we had a pretty easy lunch system- making six sandwiches every morning took time and was messy.

We decided to try packing all our lunches on Saturday!  

On weekday mornings, my kids just grab their snack/chips bag, grab a frozen sandwich, and grab a drink.  

Quick and easy!

I borrowed the concept from Uncrustables.  

If they can freeze PB and J, why can't I?

(I bet I could freeze ham and cheese too- but I'm scared of nasty cheese thaw.)

We make 60 (yes, 60) sandwiches on Saturday morning.

It takes about 7 loaves of bread.

So, count on about 8 sandwiches per loaf.

We do 30 peanut butter and honey, 30 peanut butter and jelly. 

(We write a H on the honeys.)

We use the pampered chef circle cutter for the little kids- just like Uncrustables, and cut the bigger kids' in half (diagonal is better, obviously).

Then, we pop them in the freezer.

(I started making some extra sandwiches so the bigger kids can take two if they want.)

The kids say they are perfect by lunch time and not soggy at all.

I buy 2 weeks worth of lunch snacks.

I think the key to fun lunches is variety.  That is also how I deal with picky kids.  They might prefer one snack over another, but I teach them to eat what they get knowing tomorrow it will be different.  (Make sense?)

In general, I buy categories--

Each lunch has 

-bag of chips (veggie straws, pretzels, trail mix, etc.)

-a dairy snack (yogurt, string cheese, etc.), 

-a real-fruit snack (applesauce, pears, etc.), 

-a granola bar (hard or soft), 

-and a fake-fruit snack (fruit by the foot, fruit snacks, etc.)

(That sounds like a lot- I actually bought only enough for one chips and 3 other snacks.  They had to choose between a fake fruit snack and a yogurt/string cheese.  But that was more confusing to explain.  Plus, they all eat part of their lunch during snack time so honestly 5 things isn't too many.)

Originally, I planned to give them 4 packaged snacks and one fresh snack like carrots, celery, peppers or apple slices.  I do make snack bags of carrots and keep them in my fridge door.  I have tons of fresh fruits and veggies.  My kids can grab that stuff in the morning to add to their lunch. I don't worry if they don't bring fresh food for lunch though- because it's all they eat after school.

Shopping-

So, since I shop every two weeks, I have six kids in school for ten days.  I buy 60 snacks in each category.  See- I do math!

So, 30 yogurts, 30 string cheese, 30 applesauces (no added sugar), 30 pears (in pear juice), 30 hard granola bars, 30 soft, 30 fruit snacks, 30 fruit by the foot or fruit leather.  

Does this make sense?

If the math doesn't work out, I'm ok with extra.  Eve and I eat the extra at home during the week.

Aldi or Costco is cheapest for my lunch snacks.

I buy big bags of pretzels and veggie chips that we put into snack bags.

A small bag of chips makes 10 snack bags.  So, three small bags per week or two big bags (trail mix or pretzels).

Sometimes I grab a bag of Cheetos to mix in for fun and they love bringing popcorn (we make real- not microwave popcorn).  

I also like to grab a bag of starbursts (or something like that) every now and then to throw in.  Just one starburst makes lunch exciting!  

See- that's how I become the fun mom.

Drinks, I buy 30 small waterbottles and 30 fruit juice only Capri Suns.  (My youngest can't open the water bottles and my oldest don't like Capri Suns so it works out.)

Assembly--

On Saturday we set everything out on the table.  Big kids make and freeze sandwiches, little kids put chips in snack bags. 

Then, they have a tray with their name on it and 5 sandwich bags (one for each day).  They pick their snacks for each day and stick them in their sandwich bag.

We have everyone pick one week then do our second week.

What I really want to do is write cute/dorky/funny notes (with stickers) on index cards and have the kids pick them up with their snacks each Saturday.  I'm going to do this next week.

I store the trays on a shelf in my cold garage.  If I had less kids I would store them in my fridge.  I'm still looking for a storage system that is cuter.  But these trays work for now.

(Like my messy cabinet?)

Honestly, this system is fun, easy to shop for, and really makes mornings easier.  My kids love that they got to choose their snacks so they are really excited to make their lunches each day.

(Sometimes I'm embarrassed to share these things with you because my family is not super fancy or super organic.  Just take it or leave it as another idea from a regular mom.)

Works for me!

Life is good when weekday mornings are peaceful!

Stuck in my driveway- again.

I drove all over town today in a real-life blizzard.

It is beautiful here!

I LOVE snow!  I love snow storms.

Really-- it is lovely!

I had lots o dental work.

(Another day I'll share all my tips for dealing with PTSD.)

My body has a physical panic response that makes me shake, breathe fast, and cry.

I tell myself over and over that these people are helping me! 

That I love them and they love me.

And, it's true.

I feel loved at the dentist.

Yes, I took pictures while they were working.  I'm a dork.  

Getting my hair cut, the lady, Patti was so nice.

She was encouraged to abort her second son because they told her he would have downs or be retarded.  He is a 22 year old college student today that still causes his mom to get teary-eyed as she cuts my hair.  Everyone has a story.

Talking to random ladies at the grocery store I feel loved.

This kind lady, Maurine, told me how to make homemade sloppy joes.  (Onion, ground beef, ketchup, yellow mustard, a touch of  vinegar and brown sugar.  Delish.)

I felt loved as I had my blood drawn and loved as I got some chest x-rays.

People are kind and good.

I drove all around town without incident and then got stuck coming into my own driveway- that snow was deep.

Ha!

Jakob got near the muddy tire pushing me out.

At home, little girls had a dress-up day.

Love them!

Eve is sick!  Oh- pray this doesn't spread while I'm preparing for surgery!

See- I'm a dork.  Like my shiny teeth?

Thanks for being good people.

Good people make life good.

I know it.

Love it.

Todd texted me this picture with the caption- "You're beautiful."

He's sweet.

And please don't tell him that nobody looks good in stirrups.

My big surgery is a go.

Moved up from next Thursday to next Monday.  

T minus six days and counting.

My new surgeon is Mr. Miyagi.

No, that's not his real name, but he is miyagi/yoda like.

He has healing hands.

As he was explaining this robo-tech surgery to me, he touched my stomach and back.  I felt his gift.  

He has healing hands.

You can feel that too, can't you?

I'm a hard patient because I'm smart and I ask a lot of questions (well, and my insides are a bit scrambled).

I trust myself enough to express my concerns and not proceed until I really feel good about both the surgeon and the surgery.

Amoung other things, I am NOT excited about having a catheter for two weeks.  Ugh.

I asked my doctor if he has ever had a catheter.  He said "No."  Then he explained a cartoon he saw that showed a catheter made out of barbed wire.  (Haha.  He's a funny yoda doctor.)

I told him that I believe you should not be allowed to be a urologist until you've experienced a catheter and a cystoscopy.  Honestly.

They're not too bad, but they are not fun either.  Every doctor needs a chance to have their feet in the stirrups while someone assures them it only hurts a little bit.  Ha!  Oh, I'm awful.

I trust this man.

He is wise.  This is my next right step.

So, whatever happens it will be ok.

Today I'm grateful to have my pants back on!

I know I really shouldn't talk about such things.

I'm sorry!

(Honestly, this scope was the flexible kind so it wasn't too bad.  Meaning- I went potty afterwards and didn't scream or pee large amounts of blood.  Yay!  Healing hands I tell you...)

Kidneys, ureters, and bladders are important.  I'm grateful for mine.

Modern day medicine is really miraculous.

I'm grateful for him

And him

And my sweet aunt who is kid-sitting.

Life is good {even on cystoscopy days}.

(It is 50* degrees here today!  Beauteous!  Tomorrow we're expecting 12-20 inches of snow!)

Hope your day was more... comfortable than mine.

Haha.  

Sometimes I'm sorry that you read these silly blogs of mine!  It is very hard NOT to make inappropriate references when your real life revolves around urine.

Thoughts on Monday.

(Not one of mine- but one I love like my own.)

Today I'm singing...

"Keep smiling! Keep shining, knowing you can always count on me, for sure! That's what friends are for."

(Those are probably the wrong words- because I always sing the wrong words.)

I may or may not be a bit hormonal today.

Having ovaries and a hysterectomy leaves a monthly cycle without any evidence of a cycle.  

So- I sometimes feel particularly emotional and can't ever really blame hormones.

Consider yourself warned.

Sigh.

My compassionate soul really, really feels life.  I know pain and heartache, and there are times when I would give anything to take the experience part out of this "life experience".

You are like me, so you know what I'm talking about.

My personal life is tough right now.

(Yes, I know I'm not the only one who struggles.)

-I'm afraid of my upcoming surgery.

-I'm in constant physical pain/discomfort from a cycle of kidney, bladder (UTI), and yeast infections.  (Ughhhh!  What a pain in the bum/thorn in the side!!  I'm learning to rock physical pain, by the way.  Just sayin.)

-I'm a bit stressed as we try to create a functional budget to clean up a year of survival finances.  We're tight financially and have to spend very purposefully.

-I'm worried about my 8 month old preemie baby that most definitely is developmentally delayed- I think he'll catch up, but it is still a weight I carry.

-I have a hernia by my belly button that makes holding my big boy pretty painful.

-I'm worried about my bigger kids as we navigate normal coming of age issues like friends, respect, personal hygiene, morning/bedtime routines, etc. Being a mom is hard stuff.

-I'm tired, almost dead by the end of the day.  (Who isn't?)

-My house projects are becoming more urgent.

-I have a husband who has been strong for so long that I sometimes worry he's going to explode.

-This morning, that stupid daylight savings sure made 6am feel like 5am.

More than anything, I want to be stable and healthy enough to be able to help others who are struggling.

Not everyone.  Honestly, I can't stand people who blame other people for their misery or spend their lives pointing out everyone else's faults with a feeling of entitlement.

But oh how I want to help sweet souls who are trying but having a hard life.

Can I tell you a few stories without violating trusts placed on me?  

I don't know.

-Dear friends of mine have been living with their precious family in a house that is condemnable.  Instead of claiming bankruptcy years ago, this admirable, hardworking family chose to pay off their debts by budgeting and sacrifice.  They climbed out of their hole and just paid off their last debt this month!  

They also received a message from their landlord saying if they were not out of their rental in two weeks he was going to put locks on their door and start ripping out their heater.  Yes, this is real.  

They have packed and moved into temporary housing with a lot of help from the many who love them.  But, oh how hard!  To top it off, two of their sweet kids have been sick as they tried to move.  Their baby has been throwing up with the stomach flu!!  {Father-bless this family and wrap them in you loving, merciful arms.  OR, make my arms strong (and healthy) enough to help more.}

-I have another dearest friend whose husband just received a kidney transplant.  This has been a difficult week for them and their teenage daughter.  {Father- bless the kidney to work and bless this gift of new life to inspire changes to help make a new, healthier man.}

-There is another (so many more) sweet elderly woman who goes to church with me.  She is the sweetest.  She has no teeth, she speaks softly, but she is a constant voice of love and encouragement.  I love her.  She is hurting.  Her second shoulder surgery hasn't gone well.  Her bones were too brittle for the screws they were going to place.  A sweet friend (without insurance) who recently had open heart surgery and now has an awful chest cold.  She is waiting for her Obamacare to kick in (April 1st) to get a check up.  {Father- hold these women near you and help me to bring them comfort this week.}

-I have cousins who are struggling with extreme addictions.  They need help that I wish I (or anyone) could give.  {Let them feel hope!  Let them see the next right step in front of them and give them courage to step forward.  Give me wisdom to know all I can or cannot do.}

My list goes on and on.  Everyone, everyone I know and love has trials small or large.

My heart swells for those of you who are dealing with health issues, personally or trying to support someone you love through hard, hard, HARD.  

Mental issues, money issues (!!), lonely issues, faith issues, balance issues, kid or spouse or lack of spouse issues, etc.  Friends I love are dealing with the death of their only son, mother, sister, best friend.  

Parents I know have children who are addicted to drugs, who are missing, who are struggling in school, struggling with various disabilities, struggling with potty training or daycare.  

I love people who are overwhelmed with extracurricular activities, pregnancy and a house full of children.  

I also love people who are overwhelmed with homeschooling, infertility, and loneliness.

Boy- I SEE the storms of life.  

(Without even leaving my little town-- don't even tell me about the world's problems.)

Life's storms are real and almost all of us are wet and wind blown.

 

Today, I want to lay down, wet on the sidewalk and let our loving, eternal, compassionate Heavenly Father dry me off in the sun.  

I need to feel His warmth, His comfort and His truth.

I KNOW!! 

I feel your growing pains friends.

I am not even perfectly loving and if I could, I would ease your pain.  

I would take your pain for you and I'm not even close to the Savior.

I would give you the Balm of Gillead if I had one and if I thought it would help.

I have nothing more to offer than a silly meal now and then, a shout of encouragement, a hug, a heart that loves, a mind that constantly seeks inspiration, and one eternal truth.

This world is worth the challenges and trials that we will experience.  

We are loved, we are known, and we are blessed as we suffer.

We have individual access to divine help.  

All prayers are answered.

We are not alone and we are not the first to travel this beaten path.

Government cannot solve all our problems and our Father will not solve all our problems.  

But, He is walking with us.  

He IS helping us, holding us, and trying to inspire us.

These experiences are sanctifying and strengthening.

Today my soul is burning with love, compassion, hope and gratitude.

I pray for YOU and me.

I pray that we will SEE Him, HEAR Him, FEEL Him, and KNOW Him.

Today.  Today we are loved.

I am loved and I know it.

And that is why- this dang hard life is good!

Want to me to tell you how I know God loves me?

Because I feel His love through good people.  I know Him because I see Him in you.

Because yesterday I was tired and aching to serve more.  A sweet friend filled my car with food while we were at church.  She gave to me out of her want, she is a true saint of a woman.

I'm certain she intended that mega meal to feed my family for a week as I head into my upcoming surgery, and it will (I just snuck another piece of homemade cheesecake a second ago)!

But, yesterday I was able to bring dinner to two of my above mentioned friends without having to cook for them or my own family.

God loves me and He knows I ache biggest for others.

So, He blessed me, through her, to be able to help them.

Only an all knowing, all loving Father could orchestrate that level of mercy.

I know He is real.

We are known.

We are loved.

We will always be able to share with others as we learn to listen to that still small voice as it comes to us daily.

Life is good because He who created life is good.

I know it.

a walk in the snow.

I have a dream-
a healthy mother (on cross country skis, since this is a dream) walking her puppy, pulling her toddler and infant in an LLBean toboggan sled through the snowy woods in our backyard.
(Inspiration from this blog post.  Yes, I do realize that her baby is three or four.)

This is not the year.
Aside from the obvious technical difficulties, I could barely pull the sled down our PLOWED driveway.
My favorite moment was eve trying to comfort ben by hugging him which actually only meant her snow-covered gloves were now right on his baby face.  I yelled "Eve, No!", she looked up at me with confusion, ben was red and mad, rocco was concerned that ben was crying.  He tried to comfort ben, by jumping on Eve, which made her scream, and I just laughed.  

Because I knew.
Not this year little dreamer... not this year.

Perhaps the fact that Ben was crying just getting into his snow suit should have been my first clue.
Haha.  I'm not easily deterred.

Even unsuccessful walks in the snow are successful.
Honestly, it felt SO good to be outside even as I was laughing at the craziness of my life.
I was also laughing because the sound of eve yelling at rocco while ben cried (perhaps screamed) was the perfect background music for my mental rehearsal of the conversation the professor and I had earlier in the week.

The conversation (very different from any conversation regarding the acquisition of puppies or summer trips or the planting of orchards or purchasing of chickens) where I described the beautiful cross country ski trails we could enjoy as a family if we only had one particular sled and where he may or may no have doubted our family's readiness to embark on such lofty endeavors.
I may not have said it- ever.
But, with this blog I am officially acknowledging... YOU WERE RIGHT DEAR!
(I love you for your balance and you love me for my drive!  Not that I don't have balance or you don't have drive-- but, you know what I mean.  NEXT YEAR!)

Life (with a baby, toddler, puppy, and subzero temperatures) is beautifully, deliciously (indoors) and good.

Someday (soon) we'll enjoy the outdoors together.
I'm going to file this dream next to "family bike ride".
For now... just enjoy this picture with me.

Do you have a dream?  Are you a realist or a dreamer?  Oh... how I love my realistic friends.
PS-- writing a blog never takes me "just 15 minutes".  Even if I dream it so.
See-- two confessions in one day.  It's a start.
Thank you for reading my silly life.  Enjoy your weekend.

My favorite wedding present.

We had a beautiful, simple wedding 16 years ago.

Our wedding felt real, as did our honeymoon and the weeks when we realized the honeymoon was over.  :)

We really were two young virgins, starting off life together.  

We were poor, both in college, and very in love.

Looking back I can see that we were only love-buds, saplings. 

We were younger than we felt at the time.

Our love today, 16 years and 8 children (wow- that sounds crazy) later, is a great oak tree with strong roots and young branches.

Our wedding was a beginning, and the gifts we received would become the foundation for our future together.  

I love that.

I still think "that was a wedding gift" as I look around my house.

My favorite??

This...

A dear friend and teacher of mine had her son make me a calligraphy quote saying-

"Thank you Lord for dirty dishes, for we have had something to eat."

This quote has hung near our kitchen sink from student housing in Utah, to Michigan, Texas, Oregon, and it now shines in our New York window.  It has become part of who we are.  

It only cost one sheet of paper.

It's my favorite.

Life is good.

Today I'm grateful for dirty dishes and wise friends.

What was your favorite wedding gift?  Did you say yes to the dress?  Do you think weddings today have turned into more of a party than a covenant?  How do we celebrate and officiate, without overshadowing?  

I have FIVE daughters- I think about weddings.

My favorite Hint from Heloise.

I learn gentle, eternal principles as I clean my house.

I believe my love is expanded as I physically serve my family.

I feel Christlike as I feed the hungry, cleanse the unclean, comfort the weary, and heal the sick.

I believe a clean, orderly home is possible (even with a large family) and good.

I think one of the best ways we can teach our children self-mastery (a pivotal virtue) is to teach them to be clean.

Work is good for us, housework is a great teaching tool.

I have spent years praying for the spiritual gifts to be effective, efficient, and organized.

And yet-- my goal is NOT to have a clean home.  I am not a stay at home house cleaner.  My goal is to love, serve, teach, connect with and serve my family and others.

I love this account I read in the March 2013 Goood Housekeeping magazine.

The author of the article, Amanda Robb, had a chance to meet with Heloise and ask her a few questions.

After telling Heloise that she cleans her bathroom grout with a cotton swab and bleach every other week, Heloise responds, "Amanda!  You're obsessed with cleaning.  I'm worried about you!"

Taking her hand Heloise continues-

"Housekeeping is not my life's passion," she says gently.  "It is not even really a hobby. . . . I just clean and organize in order to take care of the things and the people I love.  Hopefully, my hints make doing that faster, cheaper, easier, and a little more fun for people.  But they're not meant to be your life's work.  They're meant to get work out of the way so you can enjoy your life."

This week I have been pondering what I can do with a body that I couldn't do without a body.  I am re-inspired to serve more, love more, focus on the eternal more.

This is my life's work.

Cleaning my home is a task that helps me develop eternal qualities but it is not my life's passion.

Sometimes, cleaning my house feels selfish and distracting.  Sometimes cleaning keeps me from serving.

I am very conscious that I never get so set on the state of my house, that it precludes me from welcoming people into my home and my life.

One thing my blog doesn't capture well is how often we invite people to be with us.

Our home is open to friends and neighbors, in its real-life form.

I am neat-- but I have consciously choosen and tried to become a person who does not apologize for a less-than model home life.

Any virtue, taken to an extreme can become a vice.

Let's not allow things (too messy or too clean) to keep us from relationships.

Relationships are eternal.

We must be aware lest we are deceived.

Life (with a tidy, inviting home) is good!

How do you find the balance in your own life?  Clean but not paralyzingly clean?