loving.



this is my friend, with her son... i can feel her love, and so can he.

love is an amazing thing. it is a real, physical, hormonal activator of good things.
i have been learning to love more these days.

when i am tired, or stressed, or distracted, my milk doesn't let down.
my baby will nurse, but cry after every suck, because she isn't getting any milk.
this can last for a long time. 
and, often when we are busy, eve is a fussy eater-- because she isn't eating much.
when i nurse her, i have to hold her hand and kiss her sweet fingers.
i have to let myself concentrate on her smooth skin and long eyelashes.
i think of how much i adore her.  how grateful i am for a sweet baby in my life.
i love her feisty personality and i pray that God will help me to mother her.
to feed her, to nourish her, to teach her, to love her... enough.
as i feel these feelings, my bosom fills... 
i hear her gulping, milk pools in the corners of her mouth, she in content and peaceful,
and i am grateful.

when eve was born, i knew that nursing her was important.
it was a hard beginning (remember this), but i knew that she needed to nurse.
what i have learned, is that I needed it.
I have learned so much during the many moments of my day when this sweet baby reminds me to STOP and LOVE.
i have learned how important it is that my SOUL and my BODY are connected.
i call this singleness of heart. 
you would be amazed at how often i catch myself going through the actions without any emotions.
(nursing, kissing my kids goodnight, being intimate with my husband, brushing hair, putting on a bandaid, folding laundry...)
I have to remind myself often, to LOVE them. 
Love them with my whole heart.
To be GRATEFUL for them, to feel the JOY.
We are so blessed.

sometimes, i look at my husband interacting with my children, and i feel my bosom swell with love.
sometimes, i really SEE my older kids, i look into their eyes or smile at their individuality, and i am FILLED with love.
And, love doesn't just produce milk in my body, it also produces tears.
I can hardly sing a sacrament song without my eyes brimming with tears.
honestly, sometimes i can hardly watch a sentimental commercial without my eyes brimming with tears.
sometimes, i have a hard time feeling anything.

todd had a conversation with a friend of mine, here in philomath.  She has a son, but told him she has not been able to conceive another child.  When he was telling me this story his eyes brimmed with tears.  He said, "You know, a lot of the time I feel overwhelmed with the kids that we have.  I feel like having a lot of kids is hard.  But, listening to her I could feel her pain.  My heart ached for her.  I realized again, just how grateful I am for all the children we have."
love.  it changes things.

I am always amazed at how my FEELING love, produces a physical reaction in my body.
i believe that LOVE is powerful, even when I'm not lactating.
Love changes things, physically, spiritually, emotionally.
Loving is better than prosac.
It is a real, serotonin producing emotion that heals and reminds and connects.

I have to choose to love.
I pray so hard that God will fill me with love, especially when I'm feeling tired, or lazy, or selfish.
I pray with "all energy of heart that I may be filled with this love" [moroni 7:45-48].
I pray that I can love my husband.
I pray that I can love my sweet children, every one of them, individually.
That they will feel that love, that my chest will fill with that feeling... real love.
Oprah quoted a mother once who said something like, "I want my kids to see my eyes light up when the enter a room."
I want my heart to light up, my eyes to emanate the love that I'm feeling.
Love shows, in  your eyes, in your smile, in your touch.

Sometimes love comes easy for me.
Often, my love comes from God.
He blesses me when I don't have anything more to give.
He fills my soul with loving...  His love.
I am so grateful for His grace and His mercy and His love.
My love is NEVER enough.
But, with God, my milk runneth over.
With God in my heart, my children are loved and nurtured and nourished.
Together, we are enough.

i have begun to recognize that contention comes from the enemy of all righteousness [moroni 4:14].
contention is of the devil.  not the dishes.  not the child.  not bedtime.  not hormones.
feelings of anger come from the devil.  not from imperfect spouses or immature children.
when i recognize darkness, i can ask for more light.
Satan trembles when he sees the weakest Saint upon her knees.
light is stronger than darkness.
love is stronger than hate.
charity NEVER faileth.
God always wins.
Love is powerful.

I have much to learn about loving.
But I really want to learn it.
My kids and my husband deserve to be loved.
I am happy when I'm loving.

There is beauty all around when there's love at home.
And love begins with me.
There is power in a mother's love.  I feel it.

Today, I'm not cleaning, or organizing, or disciplining, or working, or complaining, or enduring...

Today, I am loving!