why i can have seven children...

can i tell you my secret to success?

todd at the top of Mt. St. Helen's

my husband.
he cooks, he cleans, he takes care of kids, he loves waking up at night with my babies.
he's a better house wife than i am.
and, can i tell you my deep, dark, silly secret?
i have always been embarrassed that i have a husband that does so much.

i spent a lot of time with friends this weekend.
we went on a date night to the temple Friday night (it's a three hour car ride, round trip).
then, i had a "craft night" minus the crafts with a bunch of women on Saturday night.
and, we had a couple of great friends over for dinner last night.
i talk (too much) in social settings.
this weekend i was amazed at people's reaction to my husband.
a friend asked, "how can you have a house that is so clean with all your kids?"
i told her todd straightened up while i was at the grocery store.
(i should have told her my house is clean because i CLEAN it ALL THE TIME and because i have a helpful husband.)
another lady commented under her breath "No wonder you can have seven children!"
i laughed.  she is exactly right.
they joked about their husbands who couldn't make a meal if they had to-- not even on mother's day.
i couldn't relate.
i'm glad i couldn't relate-- kind of.
but, you have to admit, women who do everything often talk with great pride about how much they do.
"Yes, I even mow the lawn at my house..."

i can not relate.
i am one of those wimpy wives who has a helpful husband who is not at work all the time, who can cook, and who takes a VERY equal role of the parenting.
often i wish things were different.
i have lamented many times at how hard it is to be independent when you have a husband that is so dang available and willing to help.
when my friends complain of husbands who are always at church i tell them, "Feel grateful that God thinks you can handle it."
i tell God all the time-- I can handle it!!  i promise.
most of the time I am called to leave the house and Todd is supporting ME in our church or community service.
people ask in surprise-- "How is your husband handeling you being gone so much?"
i whisper, "he's a better housewife than i am.  i come home and dinner is on the table, the house is spotless, and the kids are playing a game of chess."
{truthfully, the one thing i am better at than todd is having HAPPY children. my kitchen is spotless but my kids miss me still.}
i love when Todd is out of town because i feel so hard-working.
i always tell him, it's ok, you can work late, i've got things under control at home!!
i WISH he had a calling where he couldn't sit by me at church-- because the times when i have to sit by myself are the times when i am super mom, and i love that feeling.
sometimes, todd's involvement is my trial.  (hah!!)
are you yelling at me to GET OVER IT?!!

i believe, at my core, that the wife is in charge of the children, the home, the cleaning, the cooking.
i know that sounds old fashioned and, this is not how my family functions.
but, deep down this is how i think i WISH it was.
part of me thinks that if i were better then i could do everything by myself.
i look at women who are fiercely independent and wish i was more like them.
i LOVE donna reed.  it is my nature.

part of the reason we choose the life of academia, is because of the flexibility it offers families.
todd doesn't teach many classes, most of his life is flexible research time.
most days he is up at school like a regular job.  some nights he has to teach late.
but, if i really need him to be home with the little kids so i can head to a field trip or something, he can work it out.

one lady asked me how i trained him to do so much around the house.
i laughed and said he came that way!
i admitted that it was embarrassing to me.
that i feel like other women are looking at me like a slacker because he does so much.
when people come to dinner and compliment some dish we are eating,
i'm always embarrassed to admit that todd made it.

my mother in law told me that when todd was a senior he asked a girl to prom who had gotten pregnant young, given birth and given her baby up for adoption.  he was always a tenderhearted boy.
todd said he didn't ask that girl as a service project- he asked her because he really wanted to bring her.
sometimes i feel like his service project girl.
i wonder if people look at me and think "How did a nice boy like that end up with that crazy lady?"
is that horrible for me to admit?
how many years have i spent inwardly competing with todd- trying to prove that i was as good as he is.
seriously-- he's really good.
(i thought he was good before i married him... as the years have gone on i see more and more clearly what a genuinely great guy i married.)
my friend said, "be proud of the marriage you have!"
that line has echoed in my brain.
i do have a great marriage.  his strength doesn't make me any less strong.

when we were first married, i had no idea what a functional marriage looked like.
i was too harsh with todd.  i was too critical of him-- wanting him to parent exactly like i did.
i could feel him pull back.  he wouldn't do anything without me asking him too.
he interacted with the kids like i did... and they were missing out.
i learned to shut my mouth and let him be a father... the way he knew how to be a father.
my children didn't need two mothers.
i learned to appreciate his lack of patience and stricter nature.
it is good that we are different.
we have learned to laugh at our differences in marriage.
a friend asked me this weekend, "Do you two ever fight?  Or do you just laugh all the time together?"
that was an interesting observation-- because we do resolve conflict through humor.
i'm not sure if that is the best way, but it is how we do it.
and, although we have cranky interchanges every now and then, we don't fight much anymore.

todd loves to tell the story of early in our marriage.
he had come home from work and jakob had a stinky diaper.
i asked him to change the diaper and he whined saying, "Jen, I just changed the last one."
i laughed and asked if we were really keeping score, because i was sure i have him beat 100 to 1.
the next morning he was driving to work and he smelled something.
he found a dirty diaper under the seat in his car.
i'm certain that i wrote a sweet note on it, like "love you!"
he laughed.  honestly, he likes me strong and sassy.

 my friend's husband said he would have been ticked off if that happened to him.
and that baffled me a bit.  i wasn't being mean-- just teasing.
so much of our marriage is teasing banter back and forth.
i love that about our marriage.

when our first was a baby, we had friends come over.
they asked how jakob was sleeping through the night.  Todd raved at what a wonderful sleeper he was.  after they left, i explained to him that jakob was NOT a wonderful sleeper-- that Todd was a wonderful sleeper while we were awake.
he asked me to wake him up at night when the baby got up.  he offered to go and get the baby so i could nurse him.  we often joke about this exchange-- me saying "Well, Todd is a great sleeper!"
that began our evening routine... todd is usually the person that wakes up first at night with a fussy baby.
it isn't always like that, but often.  he LOVES night time with babies as much as i do.
sometimes we fight over night time with babies.  OFTEN i tell him to let me do it-- that he is working during the day and i can take a nap (hah!).  Todd argues right back that he is gone all day while i am with the children.  that he LOVES this time with the baby.  plus, i am a heavier sleeper than he is, so he hears them first some times.

we do have some funny stories about night time with babies...
once a child was crying so i kicked todd and whispered, "honey, go get the baby who is crying."
he came back with a child... but it was the wrong one.
i just laughed and said, "nope, the OTHER crying child."
todd has a way of waking up, getting up, and going back to sleep in a few seconds.
while i lay there awake listening to the sounds of the night and silently praying a prayer of gratitude for that sweet man.

todd likes a nice dinner every night-- place mats, full courses, fancy-ish meal.  we never eat leftovers (he takes them in his lunch).  once when i suggested a cereal dinner he asked me, with all seriousness, if we would be MALNOURISHED.  hah!  he isn't willing to eat simple meals, but he is willing to cook any night i ask him to.  he would be in charge of the kitchen every night if i stopped fighting for control.
he takes over breakfast most days-- we still battle back and forth with that one.
he drives the kids to sports practice-- we battle for control of the carpool also.
i love driving my kids just as much as he does.

he doesn't clean bathrooms, put away laundry (much), or do puttering jobs around the house (unless i beg him to).
it's routine that he's good at... the everyday schedule of family life.
and, he'd rather cook dinner than play with the kids after work-- i'd rather play with the kids than cook dinner.
BUT, it is GOOD for me to cook dinner and him to play with the kids.
so, most days we try to do things the traditional way.

todd is super involved with the kids and super involved with the boy scouts.  when there is a camp out coming up he plans it, packs for it, and cleans up afterwards.  i often her other mothers complain at the work they have to do to get ready for these experiences and i can't relate-- todd is better at it than i am.

he also keeps track of my kids schedules on his computer.  (I have the schedules on my phone and he has them on his outlook.)  we coordinate schedules on Sunday night and check-in with each other around lunch every day.  for sure we are 50-50 when it comes to caring for our kids and 80-20 when it comes to the older kids activities.  todd is out with the big kids more than i am, i am home with the younger kids more than he is... we are together as a family, as often as we can be.

no, we do not have a perfect marriage.  he is not perfect and neither am i.
but, we are good together and funny together.
every day i thank God for blessing me with Todd.

Todd doesn't think he does too much around the house.
He thinks I am great and amazing.
sometimes he laughs that we have no milk or butter, but a fridge full of weird vegetables (because i love produce)...
but, he likes our marriage routine.
almost weekly todd asks me if i want to go back to school and get my PhD.
he brings me home academic books to read and says, "You would LOVE doing research."
i roll my eyes and tell him that i think i'll just grow old and spend all his money.
i yearn for an old-fashioned, traditional marriage.
it's sounds ideal to me.  even though i know it probably wasn't.
the problem is ME and what i think other people must be thinking about us.
i'm 35 now.  i'm getting over it.

whenever i see a good man that is serving in church or in the community i imagine that he has a great wife behind him holding up the fort at home.  i try to be that kind of wife for my husband.
someday todd may be asked to do things that take him away from home more often.
i will miss him, but i know i will also feel strong and capable.
someday i may go back to school... and todd will cook more of the meals.
i'll have to get used to that too.

today, i feel grateful that i have a husband who has been here by my side for the past 15 years.
he is my best friend.  my help-meet.  my example.
he is the secret to my success in life.
i am so grateful.  no, i'm not weak because he is strong.
we are stronger together because both of us try hard every day to be the best we can be.
maybe next time someone compliments the rolls i will not cringe to admit that todd made them.
maybe most marriages don't work like this... but mine does.

he's that kind of guy.  and i picked him!
we trained each other.
(i had just turned 20 when we married-- todd always teases "get em young, raise em right"...)
he is the reason i am who i am.  i certainly couldn't have had seven kids without him.  :)
i sure love that guy.

ps.
as i was entering the pictures for this post, anna handed me a final draft to read.
this is the first paragraph...
"Have you ever made a no-bake cheesecake?  I have.  It was my dad's favorite dessert growing up.  He showed me how to make it.  Yes, I did just say dad.  He is the one that does most of the cooking in the house."
hah!!  
ahhh?!!  really?!!
i'm just writing a post to say this doesn't bother me any more. 
hah!
do i have to say "anna, dad does not do most of the cooking?"
do i have to feel embarrassed that she wrote that?
it isn't true.
but, he does cook a lot.
and, he did teach her to make no-bake cheesecake.
and...  having a great husband doesn't make me any less great.
right?!
gotta go-- todd is just starting scripture time with the kids!
he already made the oatmeal.
have a great day!


pps.  
i have to add one more observation that i have made as i've pondered this topic.
BECAUSE i have a very traditional view of family roles, everything that todd does around the house i count as 'helping me'.  
although i do cry to him that i can't do all i wish i could do, i very rarely complain that HE isn't doing enough.
i do spend a lot of time trying to figure out how I can be better-- BUT not a lot of time thinking about how he can be better.
i am very grateful for the small things he does do... and i think my attitude makes him want to help more.
i don't EXPECT him to do much-- so i am always grateful when he helps out.
i don't get upset when my high expectations are un-met.
and he always exceeds my expectations.
that makes for a happy wife!!
(if i could just accept his kind gifts without feeling like less of a women because of his help we'd be SET!!)
that's all...  
i'm off to the park to take a long walk with my girls-- they have their shoes and socks on and are waiting by the door!!  (i'll straighten up my house when i get home...)
see ya!