Wow- my first night was not restful or comfortable.
I'm amused at how resilient we are. I'm learning to give myself time to absorb and not worry about uneasiness- because my body and soul tends to balance and settle fairly well in time.
I am not Polly Anna! I keep thinking this gentle, optimistic shift must come because so many people are praying for me and my family- so Thank You! I feel your prayers and it amazes me.
Even after one day, little irritants have become ordinary, even comfortable.
- I didn't know how I could sleep with the leg cuffs they want me to wear. They are similar to blood pressure cuffs that continually inflate and deflate. After only one day they are actually becoming comfortable and reassuring to wear (they help maintain circulation and prevent blood clots). Who knew this would be by new normal?
- I was dreading being away from my kids. Todd suggested we Skype our morning devotional, breakfast and dinner times. I feel like part of the family still. I love that I can still inspect outfits, lunches and give permission slip reminders. I also started mom and me journals. I LOVE them! The boys are on email and the girls have actual journals that Todd brings back and forth from the hospital. I feel like I almost learn more of their details by reading the cute things that they write. It's not all bad having this time away.
- At first, the constant monitoring and vital sounds and stress tests drove me crazy. Where was the "rest" I was supposed to be getting? But even after one day, the techs, nurses, residents and doctors are becoming friends. I appreciate their visits and all they are trying to do to keep me and my baby safe and healthy. I began to feel my shift as they would apologize for having to find a baby heartbeat at 2 am. Instead of feeling annoyed, I felt so grateful that they were taking time at 2 am to care about MY baby. What a sacrifice! How could I not feel grateful? It was a heartbeat after all could be way worse...
- I actually slept from 12 am to 4 am this morning! I never thought I'd get any sleep in the hospital- seriously.
-Thank you for helping to make my hospital stay feel more normal. Anytime someone comments that they've had leg massagers or central lines or sends sweet messages of confidence and encouragement, I can feel the small webs of self pity melt away into gratitude. I'm amazed at this process- even on day two.
- Steroid shots and advance directives and surgery release forms that give them permission to lobotomize my abdomen and IVs and central lines, oh my! I tend to analyze and talk through things and worry about details. I feel myself tense up about each new procedure. I want details, pros and cons, and worst case scenarios. I need to talk to friends and family and joke about my fears. Laughing at the awkward way poor doctors explain intense procedures takes so much of the pressure off me and helps me to be more understanding of the scary, intense, awful things I'm faced with each day. I'm beginning to trust myself more and trust my process. Worry is ok at first... I analyze and joke and feel the fear. I take time to learn and understand why they are suggesting certain things, and then my hope and logic kicks in. I'm able to give the doctors their job and accept mine-- I don't really have many choices. I can be brave or afraid, I still have to do it. I can be critical and judgmental of those working with me, constantly doubting their opinions, or I can be hopeful, prayerful and grateful for them. I try to be thankful for their expertise and trust them to be blessed with wisdom and inspiration as they make decisions for me and my baby. Their job is almost always harder than mine!
- Pain, so far for me, is short lived. I get poked and prodded and feel uncomfortable, but really the moments pass quickly. I am learning to be grateful for that. I imagine their is much to be learned from long-term suffering. I'm in awe if those of you who endure, or help loved ones endure chronic pain. I think of you during my small moments and I feel grateful.
Sorry for my book long posts! I have a lot of time to think as I lay here in my little retreat, waiting for them to come check my vitals- again, while my feet are being massaged by giant blood pressure cuffs.
Here are some pictures from my day--
Skyping with my family, stress tests, central line illustrations (they are putting one in my neck this morning), and my beloved feet massagers.
Day two and life is still pretty dang good!
I suppose I have successfully made it to 4 am of day 3!
Enjoy your moments!!