Father's Day.

Do you know how hard it is for me to type a father's day post?

I sit here at the computer typing, while my husband is in the family room mediating arguments about gum.
(This is the fifth time I've started over.)

I hear him say, "Yes, I believe Anna should share her gum with you.  But, I am not going to force her to share."

A minute later I hear, "Thank you Anna."

My kids have the BEST dad.

They are SO lucky, and I am so grateful.

I come from a twice divorced family.

I have a biological father and a step-father (I haven't spoken with either of them in years).

I have a sister who is a single mother.

I have a mother who suffers because of her relationships with my fathers.
I have relatives who like to tell me what I should be doing differently as a daughter.
I have no idea what kind of relationship I should have with my fathers.
Father's day is both happy and sad for me.

I have often questioned what it means to be a father.

Perhaps, "father" is a title that one inherits the day he helps to create a baby.

Perhaps, "father" is a legal term that is bestowed upon the man who marries your mother.
Perhaps, "father" is more than a title... it is a role that one can choose to accept or not accept.

Divorce makes family relationships very difficult to maintain. It's sad.

It's also sad that we live in a day and age where men choose not to father and abandon their children.

And, it's a cycle.
Girls from dysfunctional families tend to create dysfunctional families themselves.

Although I am one who loves easily, I was VERY CAREFUL to marry a man who would be a great father for my future children.

I would picture each man that I dated pushing our future children on a swing.

I wanted to be able to tell my kids, "I hope you grow up to be just like your father."

And, today, I can say that.

Todd is now in the bathroom. 

His razor just turned off and I can hear him saying "AAAGGOOOOOOO" over and over to my baby. 
He laughs when she goos back to him.`

As I was typing that sentence he walked out of the bathroom with my baby in his arms.

I took this picture just now.

It's beautiful huh?!

Fatherhood is a sacred responsibility and a privilege.
As a man learns to be a Father, he becomes more and more like God.
A God who prefers the title Father over all other names.

My children will know what their Heavenly Father is like, because they have been loved and nurtured by a good earthly father.

My husband is a good father, and he was raised by a good man.
How I love my father in law.

I have learned that FATHER is not just a title. 
It is a VERB... to father.

My husband fathers daily. 
My father in law shows me what it means to father.

I am so grateful.

SO GRATEFUL.

I have sons, that will someday grow up to be men. 

I hope they choose to become FATHERS.

I hope they learn from the example of those who have gone before them.

THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.  (Read The Proclamation to the World on Families here.)

There are many, many children today who don't have father's that they want to emulate.
There are many single mothers who are struggling to raise their children without the help of a good man.
And today, my heart goes out to them too.
I know one thing. 
Not everyone has a father here on earth to lead them and guide them and walk beside them..
And, that is very sad.

But each and every one of us has a Father in Heaven.

We are children of God. 
And He loves us. 
He leads us and guides us and walks beside us.
He compensates and He teaches us how to parent.
I am grateful for all that I have learned from my Father.

And now,
I am going to cook a fabulous brunch with my children and we are going to slather the man in our lives with a full day of love!!

I sure love this man.
Life is good.

o baby.

oh my goodness.

i'm a cannibal.

i really, really enjoy eating my young.

and fyi-- i crave babies AND ten year old sweet cheeks equally.

swimming, swimming.

we love swimming before dinner!

searching for bobby fisher.

 my kids LOVE to play chess.

they were even in a chess club at school.

Charcoal, pawn, cat and dog-- those are their code words.

Drew says, "Ellie, charcoal?"

and they both run into the bedroom for a secret game of speed chess...

can you see the bell?

after you move, you ring the bell...

it's a bobby fisher thing.

(nice holy socks)
want to know what one of my favorite things about this summer is?
saying things like "you have got to put your book down and get your chores done."
or, "bring me your chess set, you keep distracting your sisters. 
You can play when they have finished their chores."
i LOVE grounding my kids from great things like books and chess...
i know, i'm weird.
i sure do love these guys!!
and, i REALLY love being a mom.
just sayin'.

zzzzz.

dr. moss reading for FUN!!  this hasn't happened in a LONG time.
(i sure love that guy!)

for months drew would complain that he couldn't sleep because jakob was snoring.

months.

we would often find drew on the couch when we woke up.
(jakob doesn't snore-- he just breathes heavy.)

and then, we found the answer...

a sleep spa from bed bath and beyond. 

it has the sounds of rain, the ocean, the harbor, etc.

now, jakob complains every night.

hah!  the joys of sharing a room!

monday musings.

1. I'm having a hard time taking pictures these days and i figured out why...  I'm HOLDING A BABY and my poor camera gets left in the car or house-- hmm.

2.  We are having a FUN, friend filled summer.

Saturday- "Dear Kitty" Anne Frank play and museum with Coxes

Sunday- dinner with Cluff's

Monday- laundry and neighborhood friends

Tuesday- RS Birthday Brunch at Whitby's

Wednesday- Temple and Pool and shooting water balloons at cows with YM, game night with the guys

Thursday- balloons and candy at Tech, lunch with Whitby's, Mom/Daughter date to buy Calligraphy stuff.

Dinner and pool games with Stevens.
Friday- piano with Sis. Sircable, lunch at McD's, pool with dad, pizza party at Bill and Claudia's, Mom/Son date- Japanese drinks, spa machine and marble chess set.
Saturday- Sircables Eagle project for boys, packing bedrooms for girls, game night, shish kabobs and homemade ice cream with Coxes.
Too bad I don't have pictures...

3.  I'm making a quilt!!  Oh, it's been a long time and it feels so good.

4.  My baby is becoming EASY.  Wow.  I never thought I'd say that.

5.  I've remembered something I knew with Drew (my hardest toddler).  I really, really HATE when kids get labeled "HARD".  So, I'm fighting that label with my current hardest toddler, Leah.  She's fun and happy and full of life and not so quick to do what someone else wants her to.  But, I have a feeling she'll grow into her spirit and my job is to protect her from the labels in the mean time. 

6.  Every day I try to look at my children individually and ask myself "What would I do differently if you were my ONLY child?"  I know that my kids will never get what only children get... but I do try to give them a few moments a day of "only child" love.

7.  I told my kids that they could play WII after they memorized the states and capitals of every state to N.  I say the states in my dreams... Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut!

(It is SO FUNNY listening to kids pronounce the state capitals... Baton Rouge, Des Moines, Mont-o-gomery...)  Drew tried to convince me that knowing the state capitals was POINTLESS, a waste of his time.  I won with the argument with-- the state capitals are more useful than the magic song on Zelda.  2 points for mother.   

8.  I feel it.  I really feel that feeling, that I'm FINISHING a long, hard journey and that I'm on the precipice of a lovely period of life.  I do know that life ALWAYS has it's challenges, and I tend to be pessimistic (or realistic).  But this weekend, life feels carefree and beautiful.  I feel the possibilities.  I feel my husband lighter and happier and HOME ON SATURDAY!!  Yes, I do believe we are just about FINISHED with this stretch of our journey.  And, the path ahead is looking lovely...

9.  I told you that my baby is becoming EASY.  Well, I keep thinking about this and my testimony of God is strengthened.  When I had two months of really hard with this baby, I kept wondering why God would send me a difficult baby NOW?  Why baby number 7, when my life was already in such a state of transition?  But, looking back, I'm GRATEFUL for my growing experience.  I learned a lot the past few months, it was kind of a condensed reminder of what the past 5 years have been.  And, God knew I could handle it even when I had my doubts.  I have so much more EMPATHY for mothers who struggle... with newborns, with nursing, with feelings of inadequacy.  And, I appreciate EVERY MOMENT that this baby sits in her car seat or swing without crying.  I appreciate every time she nurses.  I appreciate every smile.  For sure life is sweeter because I have tasted some small part of bitterness.  This school of life never ceases to amaze me.

10.  I was talking to one of my dear friends on the phone and she said, "I can honestly say that every moment of my day I am doing what I feel is best with my family.  I'm not perfect, but I am living the life I feel is best."

This sentence has echoed in my mind.  I need to be more deliberate with how I spend each moment of my life.  Life is short and I want to be able to say "I used my time wisely."

Hope you have a great day!!

the day after.

the day after Dr Moss defended his dissertation, we decided to surprise him while he was teaching class.

the kids LOVE to do this... remember this- father's day 2009?

this was us two years ago... my how we've grown!
this time, we brought balloons and candy for his students.
i told his students that deep down he really loves to be refered to as "Dr Moss" even if he doesn't tell them that.  :)

we ended up dismissing class early and taking our family out to lunch.
what a fun afternoon!

the doctor.

guess what happened yesterday?

the professor became Dr. Moss...  a certified PhD.

can you believe it?

he defended his dissertation and they didn't make him do any revisions!

we had a surprise "guy's" party for him...

so he could play all the games that he hasn't played for the past 5 years.

in a way, i feel like he just gave birth to an elephant.

not very fun, but definitely an accomplishment.

leah keeps asking, "Is dad really a doctor?"

i say, "yup."

she asks, "when is he going to get his costume?"

ConGRADulations Dr. Moss!!

We sure love you!!

lazy days.

my good friend corrie taught me...

don't waste a lazy day by feeling guilty.

enjoy the quiet, reading, pj days...

and enjoy the productive, cleaning, activity days.

I think of her advice often.

i have learned to LOVE a good, lazy day.

this moment.

 i remember nursing jakob.

i can feel his little body in my arms-- his feet just barely longer than the width of my torso.

he was perfect.
i get teary when i remember that miracle.
drew, he was chunky and passionate.

he LOVED me and LOVED to nurse all the time.

anna was my girl. 
she smiled and interacted and watched everything. 
we were friends from the start.
ellie was beautiful.

she had long eyelashes and beautiful eyes.  perfect lips and a perfect little button nose.

she needed me to calm her sweet, emotional cries.
ellie and drew were my most clingy babies. 
i spent hours and hours rocking and cuddling and loving that sweet baby girl.

she was my baby the longest.

we had a bigger space between ellie and leah.

leah was SO fun for everyone.
she talked and interacted and has always thought she was one of the big kids.
i started bottles early with leah, and she was just joy--

she slept through the night and sat in her car seat and hardly cried at all...

she was my first baby that wasn't hard at all.
(until she turned 2!!)

lily has always been precious.

a sweet, gentle spirit. 

she just slid right into our family, making room without any stretching.

she is such a gift.

eve has been harder, but oh so darling.

the bitter has made the sweet that much sweeter.

i don't believe i have EVER loved nursing more.

hardly a feeding goes by that i don't offer a prayer of thanks.

i am grateful for every moment of napping and contentment and every smile this baby makes.

the other day i was nursing and i just felt such an overwhelming wash of love for this sweet baby- again.

i asked todd to take a picture... from my perspective... so i never forget.

this moment.

i am so lucky to be her mother.

blah.

i stink at thank you cards.

i worry about them ALL the time.

i wish i was better.

i'm afraid that i'll miss someone and offend.

i sometimes send the same person two.
i often write notes and find them unmailed a year later.
i feel VERY grateful for every kind thing someone does for me...
i spend time shopping for cards, writing lists of the thank you cards i need to write, and writing long notes that hopefully express my true gratitude.
and then, i put them in a pile until i have time to find an address...
or, i spend an afternoon finding addresses and can't find any stamps...
and then, i find the pile a month later, unmailed.
i stink at thank you cards.
and, i'm going to get better at this before i die.
and, i'm going to teach my kids to be better at this than i am... they stink at thank you cards too.
blah.

and another thing.
i made strawberry "jam" on Saturday.

but, i doubled the batch and forgot to add two sure-jell packets.

so now I have strawberry syrup.

which was still good on our waffles sunday night-- but NOT what i had intended.

blah.

here's to a week of improvement!!

two months.

 

 Today eve is two months old.

Two months... that sounds like a long time.

I can still remember life without her-- and, i'm still amazed that somehow life with a baby is becoming "normal". 

3 weeks ago I stopped dairy-- at the recommendation of my pediatrician.

Today, eve is a different baby.

She is familiar, the baby that I know how to mother.

Today, eve is nothing but a joy.

She's getting so chunky and is ever so smiley.
She sees angels and she smells like heaven.
I love her baby coos-- so much effort for such a sweet, tiny sound.

She sleeps for long naps and will even sit happily in her swing or car seat for small periods of time.

She is very easy to feed, burp and rock to sleep.

She wakes up around 1am and snuggles into bed with me.
All night she cuddles and eats and sleeps on my chest.
I don't mind at ALL. Because she isn't SAD!
No more hours of sadness and fussiness.

I know what she needs and I can give it to her.

Oh, what joy. 

She is still expressive and feisty and funny.

She is strong.

When she wakes up in her bassinet she pushes on her little feet until she scoots her head to the end.
When you're holding her, she is always pulling her head up and pushing on her feet.

She is a mover!

She loves activity.  She loves being outside.  She gets all excited when she feels the wind.
She loves bath time.
She is SO smart and aware.
She doesn't like loud noises.
She fights to stay awake.

She knows who is holding her, and who she wants to hold her.

She is DARLING.

Last night, the kids were all asleep and it was just Todd, me and the baby.

She was gooing and smiling and had both of us magically in her spell.

Yes, this baby has been hard, but she is so perfect.  So darling.  So beautiful and fresh from Heaven.
What a gift she has been in our family!!
Todd said, "How can we ever say we don't want another baby?  It's going to be so hard to be finished.  Just look at her."

I know!  I know...

How I love this little stink.

How grateful I am for her, for all my sweet babies.   

How blessed I am to be their mother.

Life is good.

Babies are delicious.

thursday thoughts.

i'm afraid summer and moving is taking all my time and this poor blog is getting put on the back burner.
today, i'm just going to jot down some of my thoughts-- i only have a few minutes while my kids are finishing up their dish jobs and then we are heading to the library.

1- We are moving and I have a little bit of regret.  I regret not being more open.  I regret not inviting people over more often.  I regret not doing more play dates.  I'd  give myself a 7 out of 10 for friendshipping.  This week TWICE I invited over friends of mine even when my house wasn't perfect and I didn't have a special "company" meal.  I love the good people that surround me.  I am going to do better at being more humble and inviting.  If I wait until I can "entertain", I don't reach out enough.  I still love planning fun, fancy get togethers.  But, I need to do more casual entertaining.  More hanging out.  There is nothing more rewarding than relationships.  I really want to get better at this.

2- Sometimes I'm Switzerland.  I become a very neutral entity in our home.  I'm married to Russia.  He has no problem taking charge and going forward, especially when I'm neutral.  My world doesn't function as well when I'm not an active leader.  I get resentful when I have no control over family life and then I have an afternoon where I'm Hitler.  That's why I've trained myself to go neutral.  This is especially hard on weekends, days when the professor is not working and vacation times.  But, this summer we are changing things.  I'm really trying to figure out a way to maintain our family routine and structure even when life is not structured.  I'll let you know how that goes.  (I'm not sure this makes any sense to anybody... but such it is.)

3- I really, really love having my kids home this summer.  My life is actually easier with them here.  I'm afraid they are growing up.

4- Family devotional in the morning is the BEST thing we do in our family.  When we have morning devotional we are all on the same page all day long...  Our morning devotionals are kind of long... we read a chapter of scripture (2 verses each out loud) and we discuss as we read.  We sing 50 Nifty United States.  We sing an opening and closing hymn, so my kids can practice playing them on the piano.  (I told the kids I'd pay them $5 for each hymn from they hymn book they could play on the piano while we are singing.)  We talk about the order for our day.  Their regular jobs and the extra jobs we need to do before we can play.  I take time to teach things that I think they need to learn.  (Like how to brush their teeth, or why they need to clean up after themselves in the kitchen, or how we can be more kind to each other, or how to pack a box.)
I love morning devotional!

5- In the summer I buy lots of SNACKS and Popsicles.  Things like Smores Ritz Bitz, Teddy Grahms, Peanut Butter crackers, Capri Suns, etc.  When I have those things in my pantry it is easy to grab something and head to the park or the pool.  I am ALWAYS grateful that I have a quick snack as we are heading out the the door.  Popsicles are also the BEST when it's hot and the kids are playing outside.  I often feed the whole neighborhood Popsicles-- and I love that I have a freezer stocked.  My kids know that I will almost always say yes to a Popsicle as long as they eat it outside and gather all the trash. 

6- I LOVE packing my house.  I'm doing small sections at a time, and I love it.  I sort as I pack and almost always have 1/3 packed, 1/3 trash and 1/3 goodwill.  The hard part is finding chunks of time-- but the actual sorting and packing is very rewarding.  I have 2 boxes so far (one from the craft room and one from the boys room) that are full of random stuff.  And, I hate that.  I lay in bed at night thinking of a strategy to deal with these boxes.  1-I might open and sort them sometime before we more.  Or, 2- I might label them with a big yellow sticker to be sure I remember to sort them while I unload them.  I guess I'm finally admitting to myself that I'm super organized and most of my frustration over the years has been caused by my perfectionist expectations.  I really like things super organized. 

7- Because I have been super organized during other summers, my kids really expect that.  They keep saying things like, "Mom, can you do a chart to show us what we're going to do fun this week?"  And today, when we are heading to the library, they came up with a list of books they want to check out.  They keep saying things like, "Remember those clay sculptures we made?" or "I"m going to get one fiction and one non-fiction."  It's really fun hearing myself come out of their mouths.  Once again, I think this is a testimony to effort.  You really don't have to be perfect in teaching your children-- but they do remember the things you TRY to teach them. 

8- Please pray that our house will sell.  We need all the prayers we can get!

9- My pediatrician told me to stop drinking milk.  She thought eve's colic could be due to a sensitivity to milk protein.  She said it takes 3 weeks for the milk to get out of your system.  It is 3 weeks later and I can tell you, my baby is a different child.  She is happy and smiley.  She sits in her swing for 20 minute increments and she is sleeping some in her bassinet.  She is still an opinionated, expressive baby who loves to be held.  But, she's not SAD all the time.  I am so grateful.  And, I was really nervous about this summer with this baby.  But, she does so much better when we are running around with lots of kids to give her attention.  For sure this kid was born to be the youngest of seven.  She is happier at the pool and park than she is at home with me rocking her in a quiet house.  Thank goodness!

10-  Did I tell you that my husband is DONE with his dissertation?  Yup.  He finished writing and just needs to do his actual defense on June 8th.  I can't believe it, I am so excited!!!!  He has worked so hard!!  For sure I am the pioneer woman who arrived in the Salt Lake Valley and then pushed her handcart over a cliff saying "I never want to see the damn thing again."  But, don't tell my husband.  I'm sure I will tolerate having a published copy sitting on my bookshelf.  The professor keeps telling me that he can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I'm old and cynical enough to think that life changes, but NEVER gets easier.  We'll see what the future holds...

And now, I'm on my way to the library and grocery store... 
Hope your summer is great!!