eve- 5 months

have you seen the movie, "Master of Disguise"?

we call eve, "the cuteness", named after pistachio's dog.

she really is the Cuteness.

eve is busy, and active.

on the ground she rolls and squirms all the way across the room.

she loves plastic bags (i KNOW, "this is not a toy").

she loves open mouthed kisses.

she wore her first ponytail this month, although i probably could have put her hair in a pony when she was born.

she still eats 4 times a night.

but, after she eats she goes back to sleep in her crib.
she takes good naps during the day and wakes up happy and cooing in her crib.
she is very noisey.  ahhhhhhhhhh and maaaaaammmaaaaaaammaaaa.

we had to take her out of sacrament meeting because she was so talkative (it's really cute, just not quiet).

she likes to play with my mouth when she nurses or falls asleep. 

if you hold her in a cradle hold, immediately, she sticks one hand in the air.

i always have little cuts near my lips because of her little nails.

sometimes, when she is laying by me, her little hand is straight up in the air, waiting for me to kiss it.

she sticks her hand in my mouth, or pinches my lips.

she is SO kissable and very happy.

eve is funny to nurse.  funny, not really fun.

she sucks and cries, sucks and cries, until my milk lets down.
when she is nursing, she often stops and smiles at me or stops and looks around.
when i'm in the rocking chair her feet rest on the arm rest.
as she sucks she kicks, to the rhythm... suck, kick, suck, kick, suck kick...
she's squirmy and funny and very smiley.
often people tell me i have the cutest baby they have ever seen.
i'm sure she is!!  :)

eve is too smart for multi-tasking.
she loves to be the center of all my smiles and attention.
she hates when i hold her and try to do something else.
she screams if i ever sit down at the computer while i'm holding her.
and, as happy as she is most of the time...  when she is falling asleep or wanting to nurse when i think she's finished, she cries so hard-- it's like pushing out a scream.

my favorite thing about her is her funny "i'm hungry cry"
she coughs... over and over... right before i nurse her.
someone said, "i wonder if she has allergies."
i laughed... nope.  she's just a funny, funny girl.

seriously.

don't you want to eat her?

oh, how i LOVE every minute of this child.

eve- 4 months.

i hate that i didn't write this post a month ago.

little eve was the cutest 4 month old.

she had just started making noises when you patted her mouth.

and, she had just started laughing, a lot!

eve is the sweetest little, feisty baby.

she always stands straight up on her legs.

she rolls around and when she wakes up in her crib she scoots to the bottom, under the blankets.

i love seeing her cute head sticking up under her blankets.

she doesn't sleep well at night... she loves to nurse, all night long.

she is surrounded by loving.

with all the kids home for the summer, eve is rarely without some entertainment.

she travelled well, to and from vacation, as long as i sat next to her and smiled at her the whole time.

and, she cries... every time she knows she is going to nurse.
even if she's happy.  when i lay her on my lap and pull my shirt up, she starts to cry in anticipation.
it's funny.
she also cries hard, when i am switching sides...
patience is not her strong point.
i laugh, every time!

oh, she is very loved.  and very easy to love.

climbing.

i LOVED this quote today...
"I believe when we determine within our hearts that by and with the blessings of God our Heavenly Father we will accomplish a certain labor, God gives the ability to accomplish a certain labor;
but when we lay down, when we become discouraged, when we look at the top of the mountain and say it is impossible to climb to the summit, while we never make an effort it will never be accomplished."
Heber J. Grant, Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Heber J. Grand (2002), 37.

every day i have a mountain that i'm climbing.
yes, part of it is having 7 children under the age of 12.
my life is fast and full.
but, even if i didn't have a life full of kids... i know my life would be full of other things.
like you, my heart is big.
we love easily, and thus our desires for goodness are great.

i dumped my brain to my husband last night.
he has a tendency to say, "honey, don't worry, everything will be fine."
and, he's right...
but, he doesn't worry because he doesn't SEE the needs that i see.
as he listened he said, "wow, i think i would be more stressed if i thought about all the things that you think about."
sometimes i try to get him to think like me.
but, that isn't right.
he's different.
and he's great.
and, i'm great too.
even though i see every last thing that i wish i could be doing...

todd said, "I was looking at eve today and i wondered if there is anything we should be teaching her.  I guess she's fine for now, I think we start teaching her things around age 1.  Right?"
i laughed.
i love that man.
i told him what i think every time i look at sweet eve.
i teach her so big (raising her hands above her head), and peek a boo, and how to clap and how to stick out her tongue, and how to eat food, and how to sit upright, and how to fall asleep on her own. 
i think about her ALL the time...
how can i teach her to self-comfort better? 
what should i be feeding her?
when is she ready to sleep more at night?
am i giving her all that she needs?  am i giving her too much?
could i be finished having kids with her?
should i be finished having kids?
if i'm having another baby, when should i start trying?
do i have enough love for all seven of the kids i am already loving?
do i love them enough?  do i teach them enough?  do i give them enough?
do i see their needs?

i think, i pray, i try hard... every day.
some people make mothering look SO EASY.
maybe i just don't know what they are doing... maybe if I were more like them I would think it was easy.
some days are easy.
some kids are easy.
but for me, mothering is NOT easy.
it is VERY, VERY, VERY hard.
honest.
i LOVE being a mother.
i LOVE who I am, who I am becoming, because I am a mother.
i try hard, and I am blessed every day.

and, even though i think and i question and i try... that doesn't mean that i'm anxious or worried or stressed all the time.
because there is peace knowing that God is enough.
that i can't do it all, but He can.
together, we do a pretty bang up job.
i'm a great mother.
todd is a great father.
my kids are great.
and i feel peace knowing that, my mothering mountain is NOT too hard.
that "BY and WITH the blessings of God... God [will give me] the ability to accomplish that labor."
He always does.
and so, life is good.

sometimes, i hate these posts.  it sounds like all i do is say how hard my life is.
and, the truth is, sometimes i feel that way.
today, i am happy. 
my 3 little ones are sleeping soundly, my laundry is almost finished, my house is clean enough...
and i just feel God telling me, "We can climb this mountain together, Jen!  You, Todd and I, we can raise these kids.  We are enough."
and, i need Him.
i needed Him even when i only had one kiddo...
and today, i need Him still.
every.  day.

enjoy!

today life is better.

i woke up an hour earlier and my home was not a mess when my kiddos ran out the door.

i'm always happier when my home is clean.

don't you love that quote by President Hinckley?

it sits on a mantle behind my friend's wood stove.

(yes, i took my camera when i went to dinner at their home.  is that rude or what?)

you should see their whole house-- someday, when i have more time, i'll post pictures.

today, let us all enjoy life more!

want another quote from my friend's house?

ok...

 see, you'd love her too?!!

keepin' it real.

just so you know.
today, i am tired.
and cranky.
and,  i wish my kids would just magically go to sleep.
and, i want to read a book... all day long, without 100 interruptions.
and, i closed the doors to my porch because i didn't want my neighbors to hear my kids squabbling while i ignored them.
my husband, he did a lot today.
and, i'm grateful for him.
i took a long nap, but it didn't help.
still cranky.
i hate it when i have a cranky day.
blah.
tomorrow will be better.
i just know it.

ps.  at church i looked over and anna had something weird in her shirt.  i asked her what it was and she started giggling.  it turns out that anna and ellie (age 8 and 9) both took my nursing breast pads and stuffed their t-shirts.  :)  oh my!  we unstuffed during the sacrament prayer-- hopefully everybody else had their eyes closed.  those girls... 

running.

jakob is in cross country and soccer this year.

yesterday, he had a race on the beach. 

a 3k.

he came in 6th (for his grade), i think 11th overall.

i'm not sure his time... i think it was around an 8 min mile pace...

i really don't care about the times-- but, i did get teary eyed watching all these kids TRYING so hard.

i love it.

jakob's a good little runner.

the beach is about an hour away.

i brought my 5 girls.

it was lovely.

perfect, actually.

in the morning jakob asked for some of my tights so he could wrapped them around his shoes to keep the sand out.  we cut and sewed and cut some more.  I thought his coach had told him to do it... i sacrificed my cute, purple tights.  Turns out, the tights were his idea! just a way he could keep his running shoes from getting sandy.  I love that kid.

we got a bucket of steamed clams afterwards.

mmm.

and, we saw a guy on a really big unicycle... here is the picture anna snapped as we drove by. 

what a fun afternoon!

i have a confession.
i came home on Monday from picking jakob up at cross country and dropping him off at soccer...
drew was on the computer playing a dumb computer game, and i just KNEW.
i knew it was so important for him to be active.
the next day i drove to the football office and signed drew up, late.
i asked him about it on the way to school,
mom- "drew, i really think it's important that you do something active.  yesterday, i saw so many kids up here practicing and i came home to see you playing on the computer.  do you want to play football?"
drew- "sure, i guess."
that afternoon we got him all outfitted.
{originally, we had decided not to sign him up, just because it was expensive and he didn't seem super excited about it.  i've since realized, that's just drew... he's laid back, go with the flow... he's a kid I have to suggest things to.  jakob, i have to catch up with.  both are great.  and, both need to be active.  i love that they are playing different sports!}
today, drew is on the football team.
it is so cute how excited he is... this morning he tried on his pads and helmet to model for me.
he kept saying, "punch my head mom, just punch it hard."
he wore his jersey to school today (they have a game tomorrow).
i got a call while i was at the beach... it was drew, telling me he is the 3rd fasted kid on the football team.
he's a wide receiver- number 86.

i really love sports.

just sayin'.

grace, again.

Yesterday, for my scripture time, I was reminded that the Atonement not only covers my SINS, but my WEAKNESS.  I felt the peace of the Lord reminding me that He is helping me each day.  That He would help me today.

It is through the Grace of God that I am loving enough, organized enough, wise enough, energetic enough to get through my days.

My life is full of good things.  And, I will tell you being a mother of many is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I am sore from returning to my school year schedule and routine.

It is humbling when you try your best and still fall short.  But, humble is just where I need to be so I can notice the Grace.  Yesterday, I felt grace-- in the little things. 

“It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts (emphasis added)."  {see Grace in Bible Dictionary.}

"The enabling power of the Atonement of Christ strengthens us to do things we could never do on our own. Sometimes I wonder if in our latter-day world of ease—in our world of microwave ovens and cell phones and air conditioned cars and comfortable homes—I wonder if we ever learn to acknowledge our daily dependence upon the enabling power of the Atonement.

The greatest lessons I have learned about the enabling power have come from the quiet example of my wife in our own home. ... In today’s world a righteous woman and mother in Zion will need both priesthood support and the enabling power of the Atonement."  Elder David A. Bednar, "In the Strength of the Lord."  2001 BYU Devotional.

Not that my life is so horrible... it's wonderful.

It's just that even when I try my best, I still forget things.  I still have to be in 3 places at once, often.  My heart is much bigger than my capacity.  I love this.  "through faith in the atonement... I can receive strength and assistance to do good works that I otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to my own means."

Oh, thank God for grace!!

{the applesauce... 1)campfire blackberry and 2)pear spice.}

{ugh.  can you guess why i picked the name campfire blackberry?}

{ps.  isn't my husband the BEST?  love that guy more than campfire blackberry applesauce...}

busy, busy, busy.

oh my!!

buckle your seatbelts and hold on tight!!

this year is going to be PACKED.

it's crazy.

i'm still figuring it out.

the days i take time for personal prayer and scripture study-- i am happy.

when i am happy, everybody is happy.

oh, heaven help me!

firsts...

oh yes i did... 

my own pie crust-- from scratch.

and meringue... real-live meringue... like you get when you go to a restaurant.

(is that embarrassing to admit i have NEVER made pie crust from scratch in all my 34 years...)

i think i may have tried before, but i've never felt successful.

this time i conquered.

it's easy sailing from here.

anyone want a pie?

guess what else i did?
wait for it...

beans.  real-live beans.  from scratch.

the hard ones.

i always buy them, but i've NEVER cooked them.

i had to move my crock pot pot to the oven because my beans weren't cooking fast enough,

but they did cook.

and they were good.

and my kids loved dinner.

so, bring it on betty crocker... 

pie crust, raw beans... perhaps souffle' is in my future?

{honestly, it may be a bad sign that i don't even know what a souffle' is?} 

loving.



this is my friend, with her son... i can feel her love, and so can he.

love is an amazing thing. it is a real, physical, hormonal activator of good things.
i have been learning to love more these days.

when i am tired, or stressed, or distracted, my milk doesn't let down.
my baby will nurse, but cry after every suck, because she isn't getting any milk.
this can last for a long time. 
and, often when we are busy, eve is a fussy eater-- because she isn't eating much.
when i nurse her, i have to hold her hand and kiss her sweet fingers.
i have to let myself concentrate on her smooth skin and long eyelashes.
i think of how much i adore her.  how grateful i am for a sweet baby in my life.
i love her feisty personality and i pray that God will help me to mother her.
to feed her, to nourish her, to teach her, to love her... enough.
as i feel these feelings, my bosom fills... 
i hear her gulping, milk pools in the corners of her mouth, she in content and peaceful,
and i am grateful.

when eve was born, i knew that nursing her was important.
it was a hard beginning (remember this), but i knew that she needed to nurse.
what i have learned, is that I needed it.
I have learned so much during the many moments of my day when this sweet baby reminds me to STOP and LOVE.
i have learned how important it is that my SOUL and my BODY are connected.
i call this singleness of heart. 
you would be amazed at how often i catch myself going through the actions without any emotions.
(nursing, kissing my kids goodnight, being intimate with my husband, brushing hair, putting on a bandaid, folding laundry...)
I have to remind myself often, to LOVE them. 
Love them with my whole heart.
To be GRATEFUL for them, to feel the JOY.
We are so blessed.

sometimes, i look at my husband interacting with my children, and i feel my bosom swell with love.
sometimes, i really SEE my older kids, i look into their eyes or smile at their individuality, and i am FILLED with love.
And, love doesn't just produce milk in my body, it also produces tears.
I can hardly sing a sacrament song without my eyes brimming with tears.
honestly, sometimes i can hardly watch a sentimental commercial without my eyes brimming with tears.
sometimes, i have a hard time feeling anything.

todd had a conversation with a friend of mine, here in philomath.  She has a son, but told him she has not been able to conceive another child.  When he was telling me this story his eyes brimmed with tears.  He said, "You know, a lot of the time I feel overwhelmed with the kids that we have.  I feel like having a lot of kids is hard.  But, listening to her I could feel her pain.  My heart ached for her.  I realized again, just how grateful I am for all the children we have."
love.  it changes things.

I am always amazed at how my FEELING love, produces a physical reaction in my body.
i believe that LOVE is powerful, even when I'm not lactating.
Love changes things, physically, spiritually, emotionally.
Loving is better than prosac.
It is a real, serotonin producing emotion that heals and reminds and connects.

I have to choose to love.
I pray so hard that God will fill me with love, especially when I'm feeling tired, or lazy, or selfish.
I pray with "all energy of heart that I may be filled with this love" [moroni 7:45-48].
I pray that I can love my husband.
I pray that I can love my sweet children, every one of them, individually.
That they will feel that love, that my chest will fill with that feeling... real love.
Oprah quoted a mother once who said something like, "I want my kids to see my eyes light up when the enter a room."
I want my heart to light up, my eyes to emanate the love that I'm feeling.
Love shows, in  your eyes, in your smile, in your touch.

Sometimes love comes easy for me.
Often, my love comes from God.
He blesses me when I don't have anything more to give.
He fills my soul with loving...  His love.
I am so grateful for His grace and His mercy and His love.
My love is NEVER enough.
But, with God, my milk runneth over.
With God in my heart, my children are loved and nurtured and nourished.
Together, we are enough.

i have begun to recognize that contention comes from the enemy of all righteousness [moroni 4:14].
contention is of the devil.  not the dishes.  not the child.  not bedtime.  not hormones.
feelings of anger come from the devil.  not from imperfect spouses or immature children.
when i recognize darkness, i can ask for more light.
Satan trembles when he sees the weakest Saint upon her knees.
light is stronger than darkness.
love is stronger than hate.
charity NEVER faileth.
God always wins.
Love is powerful.

I have much to learn about loving.
But I really want to learn it.
My kids and my husband deserve to be loved.
I am happy when I'm loving.

There is beauty all around when there's love at home.
And love begins with me.
There is power in a mother's love.  I feel it.

Today, I'm not cleaning, or organizing, or disciplining, or working, or complaining, or enduring...

Today, I am loving!